Romance for Beginners
State of Emergency
My name is Chad and I am a romantic. In today's world there is so little romance that I could almost choke a dolphin with a baby seal. Where has it gone? It used to be you couldn't walk through the park without stumbling over at least 4 homosexuals groping eachother in a mudpuddle. I remember going to the county fair and seeing toothless hillbillies vying for eachothers affections with phrases like, "I'm twice as good as your Uncle." and, "I'll teach you the meaning of fit as a fiddle!"...? Anyway, we need to bring romance back into our lives. I suggest the following actions as recourse. First, when you feel the warm spring air and smell the sweet odor of the honeysuckle on a spring nite, never be afraid to shave the hair off your head and walk fifteen miles to the strip club where you can find some people who really need love. No, not the strippers, the clientell! Before the poor, lovelorn man has time to spend his money simply take him by the hand and walk him out into the sultry spring air where you can jump him and take his wallet. Reentering the stripclub, simply sit and watch the titties shake on your "date" with several of the areas finest looking singlemothersputtingmyselfthroughschoolandallthekidreallyneedsisagoodfathersothatitwillhavethefutureshealwayswantedjustbecauseheruncletouchedherwhenshewasyoungandnowsheshowshertitstofilltheemptyplaceinsidewhereselfrespectoncelived.
Aaaah. Turn on the Barry White 'cuz that's romance! But nothing truly says romance like a bottle of champagne, a man playing the violin, rose petals and lobster while the body fluids of a dead hooker congeal on the wall where you hung her to practice your javelin throwing.
And who, prey tell, can ignore the allure of Christmas? The draining time of year when the old loves return in the starry eyes of illigitimate children left on your doorstep, but you're so wasted on egg nog and pain killers that you don't notice the doorbell and wake up to a bastard-sickle on your doorstep on Christmas morning. Aaaah the memories!
Well, to all the ships at sea and all you out there in radio land, remember, It's time to put the romance back into your lives. Think of other people during this holiday season and buy thoughtfull gifts for those around you, like a bullet for that suicidal friend or an archery set for that one armed friend, or an airhorn for those ailing of cardiac disease, or a chemistry set for the nice bearded man in the turban with the Fuck America shirt on.
I have no problem with juice.
My name is Chad and I am a romantic. In today's world there is so little romance that I could almost choke a dolphin with a baby seal. Where has it gone? It used to be you couldn't walk through the park without stumbling over at least 4 homosexuals groping eachother in a mudpuddle. I remember going to the county fair and seeing toothless hillbillies vying for eachothers affections with phrases like, "I'm twice as good as your Uncle." and, "I'll teach you the meaning of fit as a fiddle!"...? Anyway, we need to bring romance back into our lives. I suggest the following actions as recourse. First, when you feel the warm spring air and smell the sweet odor of the honeysuckle on a spring nite, never be afraid to shave the hair off your head and walk fifteen miles to the strip club where you can find some people who really need love. No, not the strippers, the clientell! Before the poor, lovelorn man has time to spend his money simply take him by the hand and walk him out into the sultry spring air where you can jump him and take his wallet. Reentering the stripclub, simply sit and watch the titties shake on your "date" with several of the areas finest looking singlemothersputtingmyselfthroughschoolandallthekidreallyneedsisagoodfathersothatitwillhavethefutureshealwayswantedjustbecauseheruncletouchedherwhenshewasyoungandnowsheshowshertitstofilltheemptyplaceinsidewhereselfrespectoncelived.
Aaaah. Turn on the Barry White 'cuz that's romance! But nothing truly says romance like a bottle of champagne, a man playing the violin, rose petals and lobster while the body fluids of a dead hooker congeal on the wall where you hung her to practice your javelin throwing.
And who, prey tell, can ignore the allure of Christmas? The draining time of year when the old loves return in the starry eyes of illigitimate children left on your doorstep, but you're so wasted on egg nog and pain killers that you don't notice the doorbell and wake up to a bastard-sickle on your doorstep on Christmas morning. Aaaah the memories!
Well, to all the ships at sea and all you out there in radio land, remember, It's time to put the romance back into your lives. Think of other people during this holiday season and buy thoughtfull gifts for those around you, like a bullet for that suicidal friend or an archery set for that one armed friend, or an airhorn for those ailing of cardiac disease, or a chemistry set for the nice bearded man in the turban with the Fuck America shirt on.
I have no problem with juice.
posted by Chad at 7:38 AM
2 Comments:
Thrilling first. Amen to being aboard
Yes, you are a romantic. It warms my heart and causes a flittering sensation in areas of my soul that I thought were forever dormant.
Like your blog.
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