So, after a nice box of wine (hiccups) I began to see things that I don't think were there. I looked around the living room in my apartment and my eyes alit upon the book shelf. The room was slowly spinning and my blurred vision could not account for the things I saw when suddenly the Bible fell off the book shelf. It walked over to me and said, "It's been a while, wanna hear a story?" My bible has a voice like an auctioneer after doing a shot of cement, fast and gravely.
No, I said, I've heard all your stories and they (hic) are all hooey! (I talk like that when I'm wasted)
The bible answered, "Yeah, but don't you care about my side of things?".
Intrigued, I picked it up and put it on my lap.
What do you mean, I asked.
The bible said, "You know, I used to be an attractive young thing, interesting and svelt. It wasn't untill about 200 a.d. that I lost my figure and got almost twice as big!"
Yes, I know, but dont you have more to say now? And aren't people more interested in you?
"That's true, I guess, but now I'm sort of schizophrenic and delusional."
How so?
"Well, in the beginning"
Oh, shut up, I've heard that one!
"No, this is a new one, honest!"
Ok go on.
"In the beginning, when the world was still a very messy place and life was mostly limited to lizards, fish, plants and mammals, there was, upon a day (I could tell the bible was getting worked up) a noise like none other yet heardon this pristine world."
A meteor?
"Fucking let me tell the story, huh?"
Ok, sorry, want some wine?
"Fuckin' A right I want some wine! My throat is getting even more gravely and my spine hurts!"
Funny.
"Anyway, this sound was unto the world like a jarring and terrible thing and changed life forever and ever anon!"
Was it that stupid meteor?
"No, you fucking flesh bag, I'll tell you what it was if you just keep your filthy drunk ass quiet!"
You're just pissed I used some of your pages for rolling paper.
"Fuckin' A I am! And it wasn't some rediculous meteor, it was a space ship! The marvelous craft set down and began to dim. And lo, upon a hiltop there emerged a great and powerfull being!"
God?
"FUCK!!!! SHUT YOUR ASS!!!! ... No, best beloved, it was an alien."
WHAT?
"His name was Jim or something, and he was on vacation from the matter transposition factory where he worked during the summer while attending night school to be an accountant. Jim had traveled for three days and just wanted to do some camping on a world where he wouldn't have to talk to anyone. Then upon the next day, after the sun had arisen and the world was bathed in its heavenly light, Jim set out into the wilderness to explore this land which he had called Urp, after having burped up a little stomach acid drinking at his campfire."
Bullshit.
"Fuck you say? I am the book of all books! Originator of religions and wars and even mormons, although they made up some other stupid shit, and you dare say bullshit?"
Well, it just seems to me that given the existance of extra terrestrial life with spacefaring technology and a penchant for vacations, there should be a significant ammoount of travel, at least in our stellar vicinity, allowing for our knowledge of their existance. Also, though I understand the significance of the homologous sound between Earth and Urp, I find it rather absurd that the nomenclature of this fargone age could have descended to us in this far removed time.
"Oh, so you have it all figured out Mr. Spankwad! You think you have the entire history and phisiognomy of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE IN YOUR LITTLE PIG HEAD?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK UP LIKE A GOOD BOY, CUZ THE ADULTS ARE TALKING NOW!!!" Ok. Sorry, (shwigs wine) go on. "Huff. Well, Jim was hiking right? He wandered throughout God's creation, marveling at the unspoiled beauty of it all. The way the light refracted of the water just so, the smell of the warm loamy soil he had just stepped into... That was no loamy soil, it was poo! Suddenly a grunting, chortling noise came toward him from on high. Gazing upward Jim saw the most beautifull thing he had ever seen."Jesus christ (covers face with hands and leans backward) "Wrong again, dickweed, it was Genevive, an ape of the species Homo erectus which gave Jim the feeling of Alien erectus, if you know what I mean." Fuck. "And that they did, young man, which started this whole mess off. You see, God wasn't looking for a world full of sychophantic worshippers, he was into life in general and propigating it into such beauty as he desired when, basically, his petri dish was contaminated." Aliens came and fucked a monkey? "That's right. You are a bastard child of interstellar bestiality and your God is playing with you. You are a transplant..." I'm a transplant? "Yup you're a transplant." (chuckles) That's funny, cuz you're a fucking watermellon.So I shot my bible. You would have done the same and to tell you the truth it felt good. I'm worried though. I lock my doors every night because I know there will be a rebuttal. My only hope is that I can deal with the aggressor. I think I could take out all the Hindu Vedas, but what about the Book of Mormon? If the Kama Sutra comes for me, I'm fucked! Or, and this is the scariest, if the Koran comes for me I know, beyond a doubt, that my entire apartment building is in danger. Thus, I set out for the hills with only the help of a few legal books and dictionaries. It will be a hard life but I intend to see it through.
Where is juice?
