Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Next step

I dont mean to get heady with this, but i had a question that perhaps you would like to chime in on. My roommate Dave and I were discussing evolution today. Clearly we have a time table for the evolution of man, and every grade school (that isnt Catholic) has the drawings in the science books of what the steps of evolution looked like. So here is my question,

What does the next step of evolution look like?

With science being what is, and the ability to predict the next step of chemical reactions and mathematical equations, not to mention when certain geographical events are going to happen, how come there has been no attempt at predicting what the next evolutionary chain will be and or look like?

Any ideas? Please feel free to share.

Nye 1.0

Thursday, January 25, 2007

America Rules...

This blog is in response to the conversations I have been having with people who don't understand why we are in Iraq and what we are trying to accomplish. To answer this I am almost always forced to deliver a refresher course in history and conquest in particular. Not that I think any of the readers of this blog truly need this edification, but this is an interesting way to formulate your argument so as to be inclusive of the facts.

This, then, is a historical and strategic discourse, in time order, regarding the reasons for America's wars, past and present.

Since the dawn of civilization humans have been fighting against other humans. Even before humans focused on fighting against other humans there is evidence that we fought and exterminated our cousins on the evolutionary pathway, the Neanderthal. Why? The Neanderthal occupied more fertile lands than we Homo erecti did, thus a war ensued. In these times war subsequently followed by occupation was the order of the day.

Fast forward. Screen fades into Nile delta. Workers harves fields. Pan to pyramids and eventually to bearded, bald headed pharaoh. Trumpets sound.

Where did the ancient Egyptians get their land? The former inhabitants of the area were northern African tribes, unorganized, warlike and nomadic. Enter displaced citizens from Mesopotamia, probably southern Babylonian, fleeing the flooding. "What have we here?", they said. An area geographically similar to their former home, periodically flooding river and all, inhabited by savages. It took such a short time to conquer the area, set up a government and enslave the people that Roman historian Pliny the Elder hardly comments on it at all.

We see in the bible that many wars were fought over control of land and people I.e. the Babylonians conquering Israel, the Macabee's retaking Israel, the Romans conquering Israel, the Jews retaking Israel. Israel may be the most faught over land in the world, nearly devoid of resources, yet strategically rather important.

Let's speak about the Romans as they were the world's first true super power. The Roman ideal of victory was conquer, controll and reap the benefits. This created an overextended command structure, overextended supply chain and loss of controll, militarily, politically and ideologically in the outlying states of the empire. These reasons, paramount among many others, caused the eventual decay of the Roman Empire.

In much the same vein as the Romans, the countries of Europe also sought to create empires. The English empire was so large at one point that the altruism "The sun never sets on the English empire", was actually true! Spain was responsible for much of what occurred in south America both good and bad, and the French made great inroads in North America. I think we are all also aware of the influence of the Dutch and French in Africa.

The point is that all of these empires failed for just about the same reasons the Roman Empire did. People, no matter how simple, don't like to be ruled from afar. Our own country was born out of those very ideals.

So, I told you that to tell you this: there is a way around physically conquering a country. Let's look at the last 100 years. During WWI Germany, hungry for more land and resources and fueled by a special Prussian manifest destiny, went apeshit and got all up in other folks faces. Long story short, they lose. Now, America did some important things which ensured it's economic superiority in the years to come.

1. Entering the war in the first place showed Europe that we were interested in it. (The first major part of a business plan or major financial acquisition is a letter of intent!)

2. By first assisting the Allied powers and then superseding their own efforts with a superiority of manpower allowed us to show our might in stages, rather like a game of poker. Rushing in and cleaning up the mess immediately would have downplayed our role. The investment of time in the cause was paramount to winning.

3. And most importantly, the war effort allowed, through the military supply routes already established, increased Euro-American trade. Allies were created who were politically beholden to us and thus, allowed us to get away with "shit". I.e. the Falkland islands during the eighties.

The almost male bonding nature of political change after a war is an important consideration just as much today. But there's more. After WWI a new nation was created as a buffer between Germany and western Europe. Checkoslovakia. Tada!!! Instant American ally in eastern Europe! The more astute readers can probably see where I am going by now.

For years Checkoslovakia supplied American business with cheap labor, cheap parts and most importantly cheap strategic American bases. Why? Cuz we built the fucking place!

This pattern of ally creation can be seen throughout the last 200 years of our history, and we are not the only country who does it. But, we are the best at it.

You see, during the revolutionary war America needed allies and needed them damn quickly. We had almost no navy, what were we to do? What? Barberry pirates? We chased them out of our eastern seaboard already because they were interrupting shipping lanes. They're hanging out in Florida? Fuck! Call 'em up!

Revolutionary war over, we owe these pirates something. Hey it's 1812! We're having problems with those wiley British and faggoty French! Ok, pirates, you guys go get em!

Well, long story short, the British capture the pirates and impress them into service for themselves, America has already built a fairly acceptable Navy and the outcome is... we win and take more land from the faggoty French, I.e. Faggoty Michigan and Wisconsin!

These are the ways we use people and wars to get what we want. So, what's happening today?

Saddam Hussein. There was a time when the most feared person in the middle east was an old bastard named The Ayatollah Khomenie. He lived in Iran, which was right next to a country full of crazy, bug eyed, IMPRESSIONABLE, fanatics called Iraq. We sent out feelers. How can we keep these Iraqis from going over to these crazy fundamental ideals of the Iatolah's? Well, we will need a real bastard. Someone who would kill his own mother to keep the peace and the oil flowing. 555-6666. "Hello?" Is this Saddam? "Hey guy!" Saddam, it's America, we need your help controlling the Iraqis. "Hey, no problem guy, I know just what to do!" Ok, we'll put you in power but only for a few years, we will need someone in there later when things are calmed down more to direct cheap oil and money our way. Now whatever you do just run the place and keep things civil and don't attack the Ayatollah! "Sure, no problem guy, I'll take care of it!"

1 month later. Saddam Hussein kills hundreds of fundamentalist leaders and politicians in Iraq.

5 months later. After many terrible acts, Iraq has the lowest crime rate in the middle east and its per capita income is steadily rising.

2 years later. 555-6666 SADDAM!! "Hey guy!" We said DON'T attack the Ayatollah! "Hey, guy, it's ok. I'm just having some fun!" Look fucker, that does it! We're going to save Iran and look like hero's, you are going to lose and have your soldiers eventually give up. "OK guy, jeeze, way to spoil a good time!"

I think you get the picture from there on.

The point is that Saddam Hussein was selected for his post by the CIA during the late 70's. Who ran the CIA in the late 70's? George Bush Sr. Need I say more?

Thus, my point is, we are creating an ally in the region for our own benefit just as we have done many times before. This is a standard operation which is running slightly afoul. If all goes well, though, we may see some amazing results from this little shithole we call Iraq.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Godzillas Restraining Order

Dear Godzilla:

My name is Linda Lingle and I am the governor of Hawaii. As was recently brought to my attention by an astute page of mine named Jimmy you have conducted a multitude of devastating attacks on the country of Japan and more specifically the city of Tokyo. As referenced through the historical documentation of your attacks thanks to the people at IMDB.com, I am aware of how it all began. I know in 1954 you made your first unsuccessful attack on Japan. Followed be your proclamation of yourself as the King of All Monsters and another attack in the year of 1956, also unsuccessful. Now while I am appreciative that you did save the earth in 2004 as per the documented material Godzilla: Save the Earth, I am still wary of you intentions. As documented on this list there are 44 unsuccessful attempts where you have attacked Japan and some of its more colorful inhabitants, IE Mothra and Rodan.

Due to the frequent and failing attacks on Japan I have taken the liberty of filing a restraining order on behalf of the people of Hawaii. This is a preemptive strike so that you don’t get any ideas like taking a swim to Hawaii since you have had little to no success battling in Japan. With this being said I have enclosed a copy of the restraining order as it is on file here in the capital city of Honolulu on the island of Oahu. Please heed the order.

Sincerely,
Linda Lingle

CC: Rodan, Mothra, Mechagodzilla, Son of Godzilla, Hedora AKA the Smog Monster, Monster Zero, Gigan, King Ghidorah, and King Kong



COPY OF THE ENCLOSED RESTRAINING ORDER

Docket # _A4692HI_______ : SUPERIOR COURT OF HAWAII

Name __LINDA LINGLE__________________ : J.D.

v. : At: Honolulu

Name _GODZILLA and other killer monsters of Japan__ : Today’s Date __01-12-07_

MOTION TO BEGIN RESTRAINING ORDER

1. I obtained an ex parte restraining order on ___01-11-07________________, against the defendant ordering the defendant to refrain from imposing any restraint, assaulting, destroying, sexually assaulting or attacking me and entering and or smashing my current dwelling.

The Court also ordered ___________

2. The order was instated after a hearing on __01-11-07_ for 180 days until _07-11-07_.

3. I feel that I have a continuing need for the Court’s protection against you and your monster brethren.

WHEREFORE, I request that the restraining order be granted except _____________________________


THE PLAINTIFF

BY:______________________
PRO SE

LINDA LINGLE______________________
NAME

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Stephen Kings Letter to Ebay

Dear Ebay,

This is my 3rd and final attempt to be civil in regards to the heinous crime you are perpetrating upon me. This is my final request that you stop this blatant form of Copyright infringement. As I am sure you are aware, I published a book call IT© in September of 1985, which was followed by my copyrighting of the word “it©”. IT© was on New York Times bestseller list so this stance of “I don’t know what you are talking about” and “Don’t be stupid you cant copyright the word “it©”” is nothing but a child’s attempt to deflect blame for this situation. Clearly someone in your intellectual property department failed to check for patents before green lighting this hideous excuse for an advertising campaign.

As you are undoubtedly aware that I am the destroyer of worlds when I pen a novel, soon I will start to pen a court case against you that will be the ultimate demise of EBay. I have contacted several reputable attorneys to help with this case against you. So in one last attempt I insist that you Halt, Cease, and Desist this blasphemous campaign upon me and the King estate. I am seeking damages in the area of 1.2 billion dollars; however this is a negotiable sum if the peon responsible for unspeakable crime is offered as a sacrifice as well as a sizable dollar amount is agreed upon, to bring for some kind of closure to this case.

Sincerely,
Stephen King Esq.


CC: US Supreme Court

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Democr@

This is less of a blog and more of a publication/informative work. I have coined a term and think this is a forum which will not only allow the world to learn the word, but will document its creation. There should be and now is a word to describe the opinionated, vociferous and commonly emotion driven person who attempts to shove their "feelings" down your throat and call them facts. This group of people includes bloggers, NPR personalities and comedians who use media as their soap box. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you democr@! Bill Mahr, Susan Serandon, John Stewart, the list goes on. Everyone enjoy your new word and feel free to add examples of your own democr@'s!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Pirates?

There is going to be a couple things i want to throw out there for an open forum style of discussion today. First of all, HAPPY NATIONAL HANGOVER DAY to all of you out there. I tip my glass to you all that braved the night and enjoyed some drink, whether it be wine, beer, mead or some stolen pirate rum.

Why did i say pirates you ask? Well i will tell you why. Phoenix has one body of standing water here in the city and it is a man made lake called Tempetown Lake. Now i am sure many of you are familiar with the awkward smells that are occasionally associated with the Great Lake of Erie. Now picture a much smaller version, say perhaps 2 miles long and 500 yards wide, and picture the same amount of polution dumped into the smaller body of water. I bring his up because in years past they have had a framed up pirate ship coast out onto the lake and set of fireworks for the new year. This year i was hoping beyond all hope that the real ship would be brought out with cannons ablaze just for shits and giggles.

Picture a pirate ship at full mast sailing from East to West in the pond with their 10 cannons ablaze. Cannon balls would be falling on the 202 freeway to the north of the lake and slamming into the tall glass buildings south of the pond. It would essentially come down to marshall law on a small strip of water that is man made and dutifully strong armed by pirates.

Now imagine my disappointment when i found out the only pirates that would be making an appearance on New Years Eve where the ones in flashy clothes and cross dressing for the annual parade through Tempe. So i say to the boys at the SWASHBUCKLER, when o when are you going to lay claim to the most holiest of things? The firing of cannons with wreckless abandon into a city. When o When
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