Old People

So i am at work today. We have a two counter set up in our store. My roommate/coworker is at one counter helping an old old man. His interaction started something like this.

The old man approached with his arms out like he was on the cross without saying a single word. He wanders up to the counter. Dave and i exchange skeptical glances and giggles. The old bugger proceeds to talk for the next 30 seconds or so without either of us understanding a single solitary word that he uttered. Keep in mind dave is like then 3 feet from this man as he is talking directly at Dave. Turns out the old man was talking about us having to search him because we have a door chime that he thought was a metal detector that was set off upon entering. This is not a joke. The old fart thought he needed to be searched. Really comical.

So while this is going on i spry young woman of 85 has wandered into the store. I use the word wandered because she really has not a clue in the world what was going on around her. She walked up to the counter and asked if we had an envelope that was ok to send a newspaper to someone in. I said yes and pointed her over to the big wall of office supplies, full of envelopes that should could not have possibly missed on her way in. So she wanders up and down the wall holding on to the shelves, since she thought it a better idea to leave her cane leaning on the counter. Mind you she is old enough she doesnt walk per say, she does the oldie shuffle. Now not only is it funny to see, but its funnier once i tell you this. Due to her shuffling she was getting a static shock every time she reached back to steady herself on the metal shelves. Dave and i are almost in tears at this point. (Mind you his crazy old man is still there too)

So after a couple of minutes and probably a dozen or so static shocks, she wanders back over to the counter. She had a newspaper to send someone but she couldnt find the final section she had wanted to send. So the following exchange happened:

Me: Did you come in with everything you needed to send?
Old Lady: Yes i did.
(at this point i walked around the store where she had been to see if she dropped it, she hadnt)
OL: I dont know what i could have done with it.
ME: did you leave it in your car?
OL: maybe (stares at me expectantly like i should be doing something)
ME: Would you like me to check your car for you?
OL: That would be lovely.
ME: Which one is it?

Now let me interject real quick to explain this point. Standing at the front counter my store has 4 massive windows out of which no less then 15 cars in the parking lot where visible.

OL: ITs the one with the red lights ( At this point i will say there is no less then 6 cars with their tail lights clearly visible out the window)
ME: Is it the blue one?
OL: yes
(i go out and search around the car by looking through windows and come back inside)
ME: I didnt see it
OL: Wrong car
ME: i looked in the blue one like you said
OL: Its that one (points to a gold car)
ME: The gold one?
OL: Yeah the blue one
ME: You mean the gold one. ( i actually walk outside and point at the car)
OL: Yes thats it (Its the Gold one)

After all this rigamarole it turns out that the missing section of the newspaper was folded under her purse the whole time. So after escorting her to the door in a gentlemanly fashion (more b/c i was afraid she would break a hip in my store) I turn to dave who is laughing so hard he is crying.


Now why did i tell you this story? Well one reason is for laughs, but the other is, how can we with good conscience give a drivers license to someone who cant even remember which car is theirs?

James Brown is Dead and I Don't Feel too Good Myself!

This blog is in relation to James Brown who died December 25, 2006. As of today, February 12, 2007, he has not been buried. He must look like old beef jerky. Anyway, these events led me to create a joke, which I shall now share.

Q: Why haven't they buried James Brown yet?

A: HE'S TOO FUNKY!!! (Horn section commences to play crazy shit)

Walmart-iquette

So i completed the most haneous of acts today.....i went into the Walmart down the street. Now as most of you know, i am sour on people that are just downright ignorant, and what is Walmart known for? (Besides the practice of hiring illegals to do their cleaning at night)

IGNORANT FUCKING PEOPLE.

I dont know about you, but i dread going into that shithole. Now i know you have Walmarts where you all hail from, but let me tell you a little about this particular place. First off i feel like i am in another country. Its a rare day when you can get someone to talk to you that speaks English on the first try, not only do they not speak english but they drive their carts like they drive their cars, HORRIBLY. They dont know which side of the isle to be on so they run 3 wide with their little piece of shit kids running circles around them, parents not paying attention. Drives me up a god damn wall and makes me ferious to the breaking point. Which happened today. Allow me to regail the story to you.

I set my pace before i enter the store. I have the long stride, stoic face, and the shoulders rolled back WATCH OUT NOW! As i am striding to the fartherest corner of the store (since will all know that Murphys law of Walmart is that no matter what you need its at the farthest possible point from the port of entry) there is some stupid wetback coming the other way. Now mind you he is talking on his cell phone, there is something that resembles a female counterpart with him yelling at kids next to him, and several little shits running amuck. What happens as i approach the front end of his cart? The mother fucker hits me with the god damn thing. And i am not talking about a little tap. This greasy little shit pushes his cart away from himself in an apparent attempt to cut me off so he can cross in front of me before i get even with him. I went mental. I mean i absolutly lost it. I yelled at him and then without really knowing what was going on i flipped his cart over in the middle of the isle. I'll let that sink in. I flipped his cart over. He took one step in my direction and one look at me and looked like he saw the border patrol. He froze in his tracks slack jawed and then just slowly backed away. I vaguely remember mumbling something about a vato and storming off before i killed the mo fo.

So that was the lovely end of the day. And i vow this, when i see him standing outside the home depot for a job (which he will inevitably be since we all know dirty splibs dont hold real jobs) i am either going to run him down, or pick him up and take him to a "job" and by a job i mean drive to the immigration office and tell him thats where he is working for the day.

So thats my beef. Just thought i'd share it all with you.

Nye