State of Emergency

M J

2009-07-12T10:54:00.001-07:00

I refuse to talk about that stupid pedo!

She had a lovely backside, so she did!

2008-04-02T11:43:00.001-07:00

An old woman sat on her rocking chair one evening rocking away her life of limitless toil. Since she had just turned eighteen and the sun was out and she was driving in her car, she did not rock in her rocking char. She came to a stop light, which being green was inneptly named. Turning left onto a one way street which had a sign proclaiming "BRIDGE OUT" she realised that her life was moving in a strange direction. Tumbling through the air like an Italian gymnast in a circus who travels around the country in a troupe of like minded acrobats who are not related yet refer to themselves as the Guido Brothers, she had occasion to look back and ponder what had brought her to this end.

Of course, the the thing she first considered was the sign she saw earlier. What if it had said "BRIDGE IN"? In what? What was the bridge, in fact, out of? Could the potentially misleading sign not be replaced with "LACK OF ROADWAY" or "POTENTIAL LIFE THREATENING PLUMMET ENSUES"?

When the old girl of eighteen was still a lass of fifty she had married a man who had one eye. This eye always had a far away look in it which made her often wonder if it was looking for its missing twin. This endeared him to her instantly as she thought it was a perfect metaphor concerning life, religion and love. She also liked his mustache.

Clem was as hard a man to love as he was to look at, but they were very happy. When she gave him their third child at the ripe old age of thirteen, he cried tears of joy. Oddly enough the tears came out of both eyes. (I hope this answers at least one of the reader's here to before unanswered questions.) He looked down at her in the delivery bed, sweaty and not necessarily as beautiful as a fire hydrant (not if you've seen a pretty, new one!), but glowing with an inner warmth and radiance like a toaster or an electric cigarette lighter. "Ophelia" he said with love licking every syllable, "Whyn'choo git up offn that sorled bed an leep upn mah harms!" With the light of love leaping from her doe eyes, she did. The two kissed and cooed as the warm trickle of blood from the split stitches of her caesarian section bathed them both in the wonder and joy that is parenthood.

"Em'r fahn tames" Ophelia thought as the water under the BRIDGE OUT came toward her car. Not quickly like in one of those new action movies, nor quickly like one of the old action movies, but slowly like one of the action movies from the eighties, when people first decided that it would be groovy to draw out the inevitable in order to subliminaly force rapt audiences to eat just one more handfull of soy substitute laced popcorn product with recycled kernal filler.

It was March third eighteen sixty three. The civil war was in full swing and the grapes of wrath had been wrung through the clenched fists of the citizens of America from two of the cardinal points of the compass. Ophelia had not yet been born...She decided to think of something else.

In the far reaches of space the leader of the Great Tribunal of Warriors solemnly approached the dais. His multi-jointed jaws opened and a strand of ammonia rich spittle stained the ceremonial robes, causing them to turn a fetted brown color. A slow murmer rose from the crowd at this faux pas. A visiting potentate from the neighboring nebula quietly commented on the age of Tar, the great leader.

Tar's eyes, normaly a pale orange, which in his youth had been the talk of many a handmaiden in the royal entourage, became livid and green. They expanded to fill the sunken cavities of his eye sockets as a waft of red smoke filtered upward from his cerebrum. With a finger upraised as if to make a momentus statement, he toppled forward, his great bulk splintering the lecturn and causing panicked shrieks, glurps and gabumps to erupt from the gathered crowd.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk, in a geostationary orbit over the capital haled his newly modified transporter room.
"Scotty, did the death ray work as planned?"
"Aye sir, we seem te' have directed all of the power directly inte' the Overlord's cranium."
"Good work Scotty. Bridge out."

Ophelia immediatly regretted the halucinogenics she took in the seventies when she was a crazy fourty year old college student. She began to think about the things in her life that had brought her so much joy. Her many pets, her family, her wonderfull orthodontics which she had left at home...huh, she thought, I seem to have left my own bridge out. She laughed and laughed as gravity innevitably turned her into raspberry jam at the bottom of the ravine.
..

About the author:
Chad Schmegpole is a lunatic mail carrier from Shitheel Cove, Kenya. He spends his days with his neighbor's son N*Boke, who enjoys reading Mr. Schmegpole's books and playing with his dog N*Tobe, who enjoys scratching that spot behind his ear which seems to have some type of exema and chasing the mail carrier Chad Schmegpole who enjoys brown water rafting, engaging in impossible tasks and screaming at strangers. He is married to Mrs. Schmegpole, a half whit taxidermist and has three children...with one body...who desperately need your help. For information regarding the fund to cure the three headed deformity, or FuCThD, write to Schmegpole and Jizburp Assc., 1 Garbage Dump Lane, Shitheel Cove, Kenya 00006.

Drunken rants about pop stars and you: what you need to know

2007-11-06T14:04:00.001-07:00

Wow. Talk about drunken blogging. Sorry everybody. I guess I'm more passionate about pop music than I thought. Anyways, I just wanted to take the time to share some things I've learned about Craigslist over the past couple months....

First off, the personals of women for men are basically a single mom buffet. If you ever wanted to date a milf, this is your chance. Not only that, but often the picture they post is a cropped picture of them together with their last boyfriend; propably the guy that gave them the kid. I find this hysterical.

Secondly, the crossroads nearby where I live are a hot spot for "erotic services." Apparently, after all those nights when I would have given my liver (and that means a lot to me) for some complete stranger action, I could have just gone down to the corner. Silly me.

Third: No picture. No nothing. If there isn't a picture, it's a thirty year old professional serial killer selling a stolen guitar out of his stolen Civic before going off to sell crack to your little sister. If I don't see a picture, I won't even trust my roommate, who's the only serial killer I can really ever trust these days.

Leave her alone

2007-09-12T00:32:00.000-07:00

I don't get fired up often, unless I'm drunk... or haven't drank in a while, but one thing that pisses me off is when people get picked on; especially women. That's why when I read about all the backlash from the VMAs and Britney Speares' performance, I got irate. First off, the VMAs, in my opinion, were much better than previous years. I saw more live performances, mixes of artists, and even debauchery than the past five years combined. I don't even like MTV or the VMAs. In fact, I hate them. But I was forced to watch by my roommate who scared me by scouring the internet for everything mentioned, even a visible phrase on a rapper's t-shirt. And you know what, it wasn't bad. Even Timberlake had the balls to call out MTV on something I've been harping about for a long, long time - a lack of music. But the next day, while I'm checking the world news, I happen on articles, blogs, and every other kind of crap written about how the VMAs sucked and Britney's performance was the "death knell" for the VMAs. Flabby, awkward, drugged out. Maybe so. Yeah, I admit she could have done better. In fact, I would have advised her not to jump back into the circus so early, but she did and it was bad. But when I have to watch someone on E talk about how lame her excuses were and how her career is over, I turn red with rage. How many times do we have to remind ourselves that celebrities are people; people with the same problems as us. In fact, I would venture to say that being rich and famous only makes these problems much worse. I drink. A lot. It's bad enough to have to hear comments about it or even have to talk about it with my close friends, let alone have to watch someone spitting in my face on TV, in magazines, and the internet. Let's face it everyone in the business seems to want to tear Britney down. I never liked her music because, well.... I'm a guy, but when someone shaves their head and goes to rehab, I feel bad for them. It's a serious problem which should be taken seriously. And I understand that the people lauding all her mistakes have to, at least to some extent, because that's their business and it's very competitive but if you were fresh out of rehab, would you really be excited about going to Las Vegas to perform in front of the world. I know I wouldn't even get on the plane. What she did took balls. Yeah, balls. Maybe it was a gamble. In fact, it certainly was, but its harder to do and more courageous than standing with your hands in your pockets making smug comments about the weight of a mother of two to a laughing audience. Which brings me to Sarah Silverman - awful. Seriously. As a professional comedian in a room full of celebrities, don't you think that picking out Spears is just a tad too easy? Pete could have done the same thing and he's not funny at all. Not in the least. So I stand with Britney. People make mistakes but how those mistakes are handled is what makes them who they are. It's a cliche, but it's true. Not to mention, she only went to rehab. For celebrities, that's pretty common. Maybe the shaved head thing was a little freaky, but hey, I'm an artist and sometimes we do weird shit to ouselves as some form of expression. Not that we should dismiss her but there's a difference between holding someone accountable and ostracizing them, then having the gall to tell them that their career is over. She didn't even get arrested for anything! I think it's because people are jealous. The business watches as a girl turns into bombshell with hit singles (this is before american idol or other modern teen pop stars, who by the way have hit rehab/jail way quicker than Spears), what's the only thing that can happen next? Green eyed jealousy. It's fun to watch stars rise but it's much more satisfying to watch them plummet in a ball of fiery disgrace and then turn around to the rest of the band wagon and say, "see I knew it would happen." Yeah, lady, the odds were against you on a prediction like that; your intuitive vision amazes me... I'm proud of the fact that it took a loser ex-husband, two kids, thousands of nay sayers and a mental melt down for someone to finally succumb... for a while. Hell, look at Robert Downey Jr.! So fuck off, fashion reporters and celebrity gossip mongers. The only people I look down on are you.

So Long Nifong

2007-06-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

I'll make this a quick summation. As you may or may not beware, Mike Nifong was disbarred this weekend for the handling of the Duke LaCrosse case. Do i agree with what his disbarment? Absolutely. However i find it unfortunate that the alleged perpetrators are not going to sue him. I realize that he only has $11,000 to his name, but i would absolutely take that from him.

But here is my beef with the resolution with this case. Where are Jesse Jackson and Al Sharptons apologies? When the whole scenario started they were all up in the media talking about how this was another horrible instance of white on black crime. Jesse Jackson went even so far as to make the claim that he would personally pay for the accusers education due to the tragic events. Well now that we see that this was another instance of someone trying to take advantage of a situation where did the civil rights front runners go? Have they ever seen something to is conclusion or once the face time on TV is over to they run to the next media friendly cause? I think we know the answer to this.

If i was the 3 accused gentlemen i would demand a written apology from them and make it a public spectacle just like they would.

Chads Survey

2007-06-01T19:14:00.000-07:00

Survey One : Are Those Maggots in Your Shoes?

1: What is the strangest thing you heve ever found in your shoes?

Chad holding a bowl of fresh cut Avacados talking in german to a small spanish child who was dressed like speedy gonzales, who just so happened to be doing the mexican hat dance.

2: If someone was driving the wrong way down a one way street towards you what would you shout at them?

"STOP! Collaborate and Listen!" (if you dont immediately sing the next line of this song we arent friends anymore)

3: If you had one day on earth to devote to world peace what would you do first?

First i would take a nap in the hopes that Jim Morrison would tell me what to do al la waynes world 2 style

4: Do you like corduroy pants?

Not really, i would spend to much time make zipper noises with them and get nothing done.

5: When/if you get to heaven what is the most surprising thing God would have had to overlook for you to have ended up there?

The fact that i lived at 71B

6: What is most important in your ideal man/woman?

The ability to tolerate my friends....like Chad

7: Do you believe in God?

I like puppies

8: What's the most embaresing thing a stripper has ever said to you?

Get your nose out of my Cooch, thats for later, as in the after party

9: If you had to fuck an animal, which one would you pick?

Ex girlfriend, she was a bitch

10: Have you ever had milk squirt out of your nose from laughing?

Sure have, and i must say milk isnt as good the second time down

11: If you met Ghandi what would you say to him?

"I am sorry, i cant hear you over the peaceful protesters getting hit with billy clubs"

12: If you were in a cage match with Hulk Hogan how long would you last?

Are we talking before or after he invokes the power of Hulkamania?

13: Have you ever been arrested?

NEVER!

14: Do you have more shoes than there are days in a month?

If my shoes you mean socks, then no

15: Do you prefer circumcized or uncircumcized?

A properly taylored suit fits best, does it not?

16: If you were riding a camel in the desert and it died just as night was coming on and it dropped to thirty degrees while you layed in the sand shaking and crying from the cold, would you cut open the camel and crawl inside for the warmth?

I'd get up inside it for warmth, and then i would cut it open to live

17: He-Man or Lion O?

Optimus Prime!

18: Have you ever been caught stealing from a bum?

You Cheeky Bum Looker!

19: Boxers or Briefs?

Torts bore me

20: And, finaly, if the lights were off and you were sitting all alone on a folding chair, drinking buttermilk, listening to Handel's Mesiah and slowly rocking back and forth while writing a survey, what would have had to go wrong in your life to bring you to this point?

I figured if chad took the time to do it, i should too. Perhaps He'll learn something

Myspace surveys are gay

2007-05-31T17:38:00.000-07:00

Indeed, surveys are gay! I would do one if I could get some really rediculous questions. Perhapse, therefore, I shall create the Chad survey!

Survey One : Are Those Maggots in Your Shoes?

1: What is the strangest thing you heve ever found in your shoes?

That transvestite with the mole just to the left of her asshole...god, I hope that was a mole!

2: If someone was driving the wrong way down a one way street towards you what would you shout at them?

"Danger! Olestra can cause anal leakage!"

3: If you had one day on earth to devote to world peace what would you do first?

I would burn all my Nazi propiganda literture that I have been handing out. Yes, I would burn it in an orphanage while I waltzed with an invisible partner and pissed myself.

4: Do you like corduroy pants?

Only if they are skin tight around my genitiles.

5: When/if you get to heaven what is the most surprising thing God would have had to overlook for you to have ended up there?

Definitly the puppy killing... Or the retard molesting.... Maybe all the masturbating...In public...

6: What is most important in your ideal man/woman?

I like a woman with Prolapsus Uteri, the way the womb falls out of a beautifull woman is like oysters and oreos, inseperable.

7: Do you believe in God?

There is an old saying, "Give unto others while crying over skim milk. For thine is a sow's purse. Unto the wind never shall you pee uphill, nor shall you walk in the hidden valley ranch of doubt."

8: What's the most embaresing thing a stripper has ever said to you?

Sir, please put your clothes on and stop dancing, this is my set.

9: If you had to fuck an animal, which one would you pick?

Eric Burdon, because he was the lead singer.
1

0: Have you ever had milk squirt out of your nose from laughing?

Yes, that ruined a perfectly good lap dance. But, that's what I get for paying for a lactating stripper!
1

1: If you met Ghandi what would you say to him?

"You fucking asshole! Tell me the truth, what do you really think of western civilization... fucking prick!"

12: If you were in a cage match with Hulk Hogan how long would you last?

Depends how tight he is.

13: Have you ever been arrested?

14: Do you have more shoes than there are days in a month?

Depends what you mean by shoes. If you mean something I put my foot into, wiggle my toes around and sigh due to the comfort, then yes I do! If you mean shoes... then no I don't.

15: Do you prefer circumcized or uncircumcized?

hemmed

16: If you were riding a camel in the desert and it died just as night was coming on and it dropped to thirty degrees while you layed in the sand shaking and crying from the cold, would you cut open the camel and crawl inside for the warmth?

Shit, I've been inside a camel before without cutting it, why start now?

17: He-Man or Lion O?

No, Chad, stupid!

18: Have you ever been caught stealing from a bum?

No, but I have been caught stealing bum!

19: Boxers or Briefs?

I would take Tatiana Ali anyday over a summons.

20: And, finaly, if the lights were off and you were sitting all alone on a folding chair, drinking buttermilk, listening to Handel's Mesiah and slowly rocking back and forth while writing a survey, what would have had to go wrong in your life to bring you to this point?

Absolutely nothing!

See what I mean? Although surveys generally suck, this one is at least fun to read. Next survey you do and then post, thinking that the rest of us give a shit, at least take the time to interest the reader. Now I am going to vommit up all this buttermilk and, hopefully, cry myself to sleep.

Best Interest

2007-05-09T00:54:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! Don't you just hate it when in public you see someone who seems like they don't have a clue about raising a child? Doesn't it spark inside comments you would love to mention to the parents or parent? "Yeah", you say to yourself "I ought to give them my opinion. I'm sure they are dying to know what I think." So when you do decide to, there is gonna be one of two reactions. They will either hear what you desperately need to express and disregard it once youre out of sight or they will give you some advice in return.

Kinda like some token of their appreciation for you taking the time out of your day to help them rear their kid. Yeah kinda like the way we all have an opinion about how the President should be doing his job. Well not that opinionated but none the less. We all have ideals of what the world should be like or how it should work. But hey, guess what? We don't know half of what we think is in everyones best interest.

For example, this evening while out shopping with my baby, I was approached by someone who felt that same need to educate me in parenting 101. "You shouldn't have a newborn out in public places for a couple months. And you shouldn't leave a pacifier in their mouth for an extended period of time." And I had those two earlier reactions to respond with. I didn't hear what they had to say and ponder their comments. Yeah the other one. "When you bring this child into the world and are the one responsible for him, that's about when you can even suggest anything to me"

She didn't even have kids to be giving advice to begin with. And even if she did, I wouldn't be hearing it. She can use that when its her business and stay out of mine. Its really weird that people feel that they cant contain the urgency to let their opinions be heard when they have no clue that maybe they shouldn't be saying anything.

Nobody raises their kid the same way everybody else does. Similar to some degree. But not the same. So people should stop their judgements and giving other people suggestions on how they raise their kids. The parents do what works for them. And as long as the child doesn't suffer, it shouldn't be anyones business what the hell a parent does or doesn't do.

When my child grows up to be a serial killer, yeah that's exactly when I want everybody saying shit to me about how I raised my kid.

Fight Night

2007-05-06T01:46:00.000-07:00

So tonight was fight night for the long awaited De La Hoya vs Mayweather bout. I was fortunate enough to have Bridget and Rob (also the newest blogmate, see previous post) order the fight and host a gathering. In addition to the fight i learned alot of entertaining and interesting things about the group. First lets cover the fight.

We learned that while Oscar throw a seemingly infinite amount of punches, he lands only about 25% of them, while Floyd on the other hand throws a finite amount of punches and lands damn near 50% of them. Dont worry Oscar fans, Floyd isnt strong enough to do any damage to the Golden Boys golden looks. I can honestly say this is the first title fight i have seen in boxing that neither contestant fails to draw blood from the opponent. Fight ends in a split decision 2-1 (should have been unanimous) for Mayweather.

Post fight while sitting on the porch a barrage of randomness was heaped upon us by Dave and Kane. There were several things i feel that were learned that i should share with you now. Well lets see, where to start. I learned that people named Maurice can acquire the nickname Scooter, and not just people named Scott. I learned that Ceola is indeed not an army brat, or a vampire for that matter. That there is no question that Maurice (Scooter) finds to awkward to answer, no matter how overboard Dave tries to get with the question. Scooters thing appears to be pregnant amputee midget porn, just incase you were wondering. Rob doesnt now what a Dirty Sanchez is. Adrien is possibly the most well behaved new born i have ever seen in my life.

There is more but thats good for now.

1.0

Should I stay or should i go?

2007-04-29T01:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm referencing the song. But the reason for the question is this... Say that one day, scientist finally tell us that they have now discovered that we can inhabit other worlds. Think about it. A new world to live in! What an opportunity for a new start! They say that everybody will be given the opportunity for a one time trip there. One time meaning that once your there, you cant come back. Would you go? In a new world there is much of the unknown.

For me the answer would be simply..Hell No. Why? Numerous reasons. What if these worlds already have there own governments and leaders. Obviously we would be the minority. And you can throw out basic human rights. Are we arrogant enough to expect at least that. WE are the ALIENS to them. I would hate to think that we weren't smart enough to repair the best world any of us ever lived in. "Abandon Earth!". Curious people would definitely want to go. "We could start all over!" Yeah right!

Humans would find brand new ways to corrupt the new world. And where would they be? In a world at war with humankind for all the damage they've caused. Wouldn't any body miss the world they were born into. The one with blue skies. Cool breezes. The oceans and all the life we've come to know and love. Kinda sappy, but I would not want to gamble that life for a fresh start. I want to go down with the ship. If you gotta go, go with a smile.

THE Real News....

2007-04-20T23:11:00.001-07:00

First off lets start off with a minute of silence for the victims of the Virginia Tech tragedy.....

In the past few weeks we have had some good news to write about. Don Imus was mentioned in the previous post, and while i cant say i will miss the zombie look a like (zombie and IMUS, cant tell me there isnt a resemblance) i think Tom Delay has a point. How can FAT ASS Rosie O'Donnell say some of the offensive things she does on live network television and not at least get suspended by ABC? Read about it here Now i am not saying Tom Delay doesnt have his issues, its just an interesting arguement.

However this is not the real news. While my blog mates of done the previous two posts on illegal immigration and the Donald Imus and the nappy headed hos incident, i have more exciting things to announce.

You are all familiar with natures flying rat, the pigeon. Well here is some exciting news on how to combat the smelly little shit machines. Get a Pelican. Allow me to repeat that, GET…..A….. PELICAN! Why a Pelican you ask? Well didnt you know that a Pelican is a Pigeons natural bird enemy? I realize at this point you are saying, "Yeah right Nye, you are just making shit up now" I assure you that this not the case, i have inconclusive visual video evidence that pelicans DO infact prey on rats with wings. HERE IS THE PROOF YOU SO DESPERATELY SEEK!

So i ask you now what would be better then to see a group of pelicans perched atop the empire state building with the peregrine falcons, discussing their latest exploits in pigeon hunting?

Nappy headed hoes and you: what you need to know!

2007-04-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

I've been dwelling over this Don Imus incident for some time now and the more I think about it, the more I believe that Don Imus is totally in the right. Read me out.... First off, Imus was wrong for calling the entire team hoes; surely at least one of those girls isn't loose, easy, or a powerblower. That was definitely a mistake, but it was a simple linguistic error, which happens all the time in broadcasting. And then again, you only need the team to be made up of just over half hoes in order to refer to the majority of team by that term, which would be a correct statement to make. Maybe Don knew some things, but I guess I'll give the team the benefit of the doubt.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Dave.." as you exhale your lungs completely in one word in that way that annoys me so much, "This is a racial thing. He called them nappy headed!" as you gesture towards your head as if I've never heard of a head. NO! I say! This is not a race issue, like some would like you to believe. Which term is a racial slur: nappy headed or ho? The answer is neither. A ho is a ho, whether black, white, or half japanese/half white (which is my favorite kind). And to have a nappy head is to have nappy hair which is to half rough or coarse and tangled hair which is to have a bad haircut. Granted, to call someone a nappy headed ho is typically done in a racist fashion but the term is not restricted to black people. For instance, I called my roommate a nappy headed ho and he just smiled and laughed. This all brings me to my ultimate point: the only people who should determine what racial slurs are should be the ones who say them. For instance if I called Al Sharpton a blacky, it would be a racist slur because I intended to be. This is not for Al Sharpton to decide. Also, while we're chatting about Al, I think it's very hypocritical to threaten to boycott everything affiliated with Imus' network unless he's fired and then turn around to say, "We don't come here to bring Imus down but to bring goodness up." So in closing, nappy headed ho isn't a racial slur unless you want it to be. You said it, own up to it. Be the best racist you can Don! Show those nappy headed hos (all the white people with untreated hair who don't believe in you and are easy) what you're all about.

Holy Crap!!!

2007-04-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

You will not see this heart-stopping photo on the front page of the NY Times or on the lead story of the major news networks. The protesters put up the Mexican flag over the American flag flying upside down at Montebello High School in California.

I predict this stunt will be the nail in the coffin of any guest-worker/amnesty plan on the table in Washington . The image of the American flag subsumed to another and turned upside down on American soil is already spreading on Internet forums and via e-mail.

Pass this along to every American citizen in your address books and to every representative in the state and federal government. If you choose to remain uninvolved, do not be amazed when you no longer have a nation to call your own nor anything you have worked for left since it will be "redistributed" to the activists while you are so peacefully staying out of the "fray." Check history, it is full of nations/empires that disappeared when its citizens no longer held their core beliefs and values. One person CAN make a difference. One plus one plus one plus one plus one plus one.........

The battle for our secure borders and immigration laws that actually mean something, however, hasn't even begun. If this ticks YOU off...PASS IT ON!

Also Don Imus is a pussy, he didn't do shit wrong and is acting like stupid milk toast Micheal Richards!

Spring is Offically here

2007-03-30T15:25:00.001-07:00

Nothing signifies that spring is here like the opening of baseball season. While i have done the failed experiment that is called fantasy baseball i still enjoy the game. Season officially opens Sunday night with the Cards/Mets game and i can actually say that i am looking forward to being a better fan this year. I have got the Indians homepage on my set of favorites now, and am debating an MLB.TV subscription so i can watch the beloved Tribe. So here is to Spring, the Tribe winning the Central Division, and oh yeah, fuck the red sox and the yankees (In that order)

Nye

PS I saw Giambi on ESPN today while the Yanks were playing the Tiggers, and he was asked about how hard it was to transition to a DH only roll. I think the juice went to his brain because he said it wasnt easy blah blah blah, but i mean seriously folks. How hard it is to go from playing a mediocre first base to getting paid millions to just walk to the plate and swing a damn bat. What a Douche.

I got nothing

2007-03-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

I dont really have anything good to say, i just felt that i should contribute something along the lines of what we would call a "post" in this biz. Seeing as i just took a 4 day trip to Kali-forni-A (say it like Arnold, you know its funnier that way) and i am going to run down the Pros and Cons of the trip.

PROS:

1) New Best Friend Leigh. This clearly was the best point of the trip.

2) Little Spoon and the possibility of OTL

3-4) These two are tied just because one made me laugh so hard i was crying, and the other made me throughly uncomfortable and embarassed, which is hard to do. Maria making fun of the valleys girls, and Tiff telling me all about poop and red chair sex.

4) The Can

5) The Tee

6) Birthday Tri fecta; Martina, Jamie, Claire

7) The re-emergance of Peter and Petey. (Thanks Jamie)

8) Spontaneous Pictures to close out the Tee

9) 5:45am with Leigh

10) 6am scolding Leigh and making her go to bed.

11) Pit, i kicked ass at it

12) The never ending Uno game.

CONS:

I got nothing

St. Patrick's Day - A fun a holiday or a facsist dress code enforcement on my everyday drinking

2007-03-20T20:08:00.001-07:00

St. Patrick's day- we all love it right? But when you're always doing things like planning ahead on which bar you're walking home from or who you can get to drive you, there isn't much difference except for an exceptional amount of people wearing green and using fake Irish accents. Don't get me wrong. I love the Irish, they're drinkers. They've got a great gig going with leprauchans and blarney stones and even incoherent women singing at the touching end of many a great movie. But when I'm trying to get on with my blotto like a regular saturday, I don't want people wishing me a happy holiday. It's hardly a holiday and it's not happy when I don't get free stuff. Even on Easter, I get eggs. Yes, I'll admit that it's nice to through a party for no reason, but if I can't get a seat in my local watering hole because of a bunch of chum faces decide to go to a bar because it's got Murphy's in its name, I get upset - I get Irish upset! Maybe even fighting Irish upset. However, I do enjoy the green beer. It's nice to drink something that at least looks different but has that manly taste of beer (sorry beer drinking ladies, my heart goes out). Maybe they should keep that going and randomly color beer every few weeks or so.
Also, I've started smoking again. It's made me less stressed but now I've got to avoid my doctor so my health insurance won't find out and raise their premiums. You know what that means? I've got to go to a black market doctor. Ever seen that part in Minority Report where Tom Cruise gets his eyes switched out, that's not very different than that except there's less technology and more rotting food in the fridge. Just kidding. I don't know any black market doctors, but if you know a guy who does back surgery out of his garage, I'd be inclined to ask for more information. What else is new? Oh yeah. I've decided that if you roll your own cigarrettes, you're either really tight with your budget or you're a crack addict with no money who stops on my lawn at three in the morning and starts plucking Steve Miller as my dog goes fucking apeshit. Seriously.... Oh, it's great to be a part of the blog. I don't usually complain so much but it's starting to get hot out here in AZ and it makes a great excuse.

Blarney Blog

2007-03-17T16:09:00.000-07:00

So in an homage to my brother Jeff keeping a running blog of NFL draft day a few years ago, I have decided to keep a running blog of my drinking on Saint Patricks Day. Since we all know St. Patrick is the patron said of drinking, I plan to do him proud on this day of days.

8:25am (on a Saturday) I had to open the store today for my roomie and his g/f since they don’t have the key to the shop.

8:55am: McDs, the breakfast of champions

9:02am: Get home, realize basketball doesn’t start for another hour. Open first beer.

9:22am: Second beer

9:54am: Watch then end of the movie Money Train. Come to the realization that Woody Haralson only good movie roll was in Natural Born Killers.

10:07am: Beer 3 for the tip off of the Ohio State game.

10:16am: Get confirmation of the completion of project D-14. That deserves another swig of beer.

10:21am: Reading ESPN.com and find out Kobe dropped 61 last night. God I hate that rapist. Drinks more beer.

10:42am: Beer 4. OSU finally playing better. Friends on the way, this could get hairy.

11:02am: Kane and Kage arrive

11:47am: Worried that ohio state might lose. Beer 5

12:17am: Lewis is my new Hero. OSU dominating in OT baby!

12:19am: New beer (6) for the start of OT

12:31pm: OSU wins! OT Domination! This calls for a beer (7)

12:33pm: Time to play some Madden with Kane.

1:24pm: Beer 8

1:27pm: Project D-14 complete! Chug rest of beer. Open beer 9

2:29pm: Kane and I split the 2 Madden games, and had just enough time to watch Maryland suck a fat one. Opening # 10

4:06pm: I am saying fuck it to counting. I have had 2 more (somewhere around 12ish for the day) and I am clearly not going to remember this is open to keep going. So that being said. I am out.

HAVE A FUN SAINT PATTYS DAY ALL!

Newest Blogmate

2007-03-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

I would like welcome our new........blogmate. For reference all of you who have seen the movie blazing saddles should read that line like the towns people when the new sheriff comes to town. Think about it, now reread the sentence. Good, we can move on.

Since chad and i are on again off again bloggers i decided that we needed a little more help from a friend. So as part of this dysfunctional blog we have added my roommate Dave, aka El Daveste. Dont ask, there really isnt a story to that name. I dont know what he will contribute but i am hoping some drunken typing is in his near future that will entertain us all.

So with that i am out to drink green beer for the next 48 hours or so. Wish me luck.

Shower Pee

2007-03-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

So here is a question. I guess its tailored more to the male contingent that read this. (IE the brothers nye and sir chadley.) But i would be more then happy to hear for the ladies (IE maybe lisa and corbi). But i am rambling, so allow me to move on.

So say you are in the shower at the gym. Not the open kind like in the high school lockers rooms, but in individual stalls. Complete with the 3 inch deep gutter that runs around the base of the wall for drainage purposes. Now i know we all pee in the shower, and your a damn liar if you say otherwise, but my question is.

Is it ok to pee into the gutter in this instance?

No one likes to get out of the shower and then have to find a toilet. But would you be mad if a yellow stream came rolling along the gutter past your shower stall?

MC Hammer, Cultural Icon or Self Help Guru?

2007-03-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

It was 1992 and the radio was telling me to look at those girls with the daisy dukes on. Not gently remarking on their existence, but, in an aggressive manner saying, "You there, gaze upon these women with their silly boots!".
Another artist wondered, "Who let the dogs out?". A very good question indeed! Even now, more than ten years later, the query is still unanswered.
I remember, "Ice, ice, baby, too cold." No shit.
"It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under." Actually this metaphor works better if jungle is replaced by the ocean or maybe a community pool. I'm not sure the poetry would survive the editing

But there was one man who truly spoke to me. Yes, I'm talking about MC Hammer, or as the Scottish call him, McHammer. Here was a more contemplative individual than the rest. A man whose lyrical poetry and verse enable one to see outside of the reality imposed by society and dream of greater things while discovering personal sublimeness and the depths of the soul.
Let me illustrate. In the middle of his greatest song, "Can't Touch This", MC Hammer, after delivering such bombshells as "My my my music hits me so hard..." and, ""It's "Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo Hammer" And the rest can go and play"", the great man pauses and takes time for reflection. Right in the middle of the song! The brilliance of a man with the serenity to say, "Stop...Hammer Time!", truly speaks to us all. Just the simple halting of the beat, the reflective moment, perhaps thinking upon world humanitarian organizations, the lack of social equality in the world, or even how to give away all of your worldly possessions leaving you penniless and without your mansion.

We would all do well to integrate this moment of epiphany into our own lives. Perhaps in the middle of a boardroom meeting it would be liberating to stand up and say "Stop!". Then after several moments of contemplation shout, "It's (Your Name Here) time!", and begin a silly crab like dance in your Zubas...or fat silk pants, maybe gold in color. All who witnessed this divine transformation would be amazed by your adaptability and inner power and would probably be moved to pin a medal on you right there, or at least take you home to meet their family!

The lessons to be learned from the great Hammer, or as he is known in India, Siddhartha Hammer, the black, grinning Buddha with golden teeth, are manifold. Take, for example, his great contribution, "Too Legit to Quit!". Another great addition to the hymnal of the church of the Hammer (MC). This inspirational work forces us to come to grips with the necessities of hard work and perseverance.

I hope that all can benefit from the words of this saintly master, so I'ma peace out yo, and jet to the temple an bow down 'fo the Hammer!

And of course we can't touch that! How could we?

Old People

2007-02-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

So i am at work today. We have a two counter set up in our store. My roommate/coworker is at one counter helping an old old man. His interaction started something like this.

The old man approached with his arms out like he was on the cross without saying a single word. He wanders up to the counter. Dave and i exchange skeptical glances and giggles. The old bugger proceeds to talk for the next 30 seconds or so without either of us understanding a single solitary word that he uttered. Keep in mind dave is like then 3 feet from this man as he is talking directly at Dave. Turns out the old man was talking about us having to search him because we have a door chime that he thought was a metal detector that was set off upon entering. This is not a joke. The old fart thought he needed to be searched. Really comical.

So while this is going on i spry young woman of 85 has wandered into the store. I use the word wandered because she really has not a clue in the world what was going on around her. She walked up to the counter and asked if we had an envelope that was ok to send a newspaper to someone in. I said yes and pointed her over to the big wall of office supplies, full of envelopes that should could not have possibly missed on her way in. So she wanders up and down the wall holding on to the shelves, since she thought it a better idea to leave her cane leaning on the counter. Mind you she is old enough she doesnt walk per say, she does the oldie shuffle. Now not only is it funny to see, but its funnier once i tell you this. Due to her shuffling she was getting a static shock every time she reached back to steady herself on the metal shelves. Dave and i are almost in tears at this point. (Mind you his crazy old man is still there too)

So after a couple of minutes and probably a dozen or so static shocks, she wanders back over to the counter. She had a newspaper to send someone but she couldnt find the final section she had wanted to send. So the following exchange happened:

Me: Did you come in with everything you needed to send?
Old Lady: Yes i did.
(at this point i walked around the store where she had been to see if she dropped it, she hadnt)
OL: I dont know what i could have done with it.
ME: did you leave it in your car?
OL: maybe (stares at me expectantly like i should be doing something)
ME: Would you like me to check your car for you?
OL: That would be lovely.
ME: Which one is it?

Now let me interject real quick to explain this point. Standing at the front counter my store has 4 massive windows out of which no less then 15 cars in the parking lot where visible.

OL: ITs the one with the red lights ( At this point i will say there is no less then 6 cars with their tail lights clearly visible out the window)
ME: Is it the blue one?
OL: yes
(i go out and search around the car by looking through windows and come back inside)
ME: I didnt see it
OL: Wrong car
ME: i looked in the blue one like you said
OL: Its that one (points to a gold car)
ME: The gold one?
OL: Yeah the blue one
ME: You mean the gold one. ( i actually walk outside and point at the car)
OL: Yes thats it (Its the Gold one)

After all this rigamarole it turns out that the missing section of the newspaper was folded under her purse the whole time. So after escorting her to the door in a gentlemanly fashion (more b/c i was afraid she would break a hip in my store) I turn to dave who is laughing so hard he is crying.

Now why did i tell you this story? Well one reason is for laughs, but the other is, how can we with good conscience give a drivers license to someone who cant even remember which car is theirs?

James Brown is Dead and I Don't Feel too Good Myself!

2007-02-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

This blog is in relation to James Brown who died December 25, 2006. As of today, February 12, 2007, he has not been buried. He must look like old beef jerky. Anyway, these events led me to create a joke, which I shall now share.

Q: Why haven't they buried James Brown yet?

A: HE'S TOO FUNKY!!! (Horn section commences to play crazy shit)

Walmart-iquette

2007-02-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

So i completed the most haneous of acts today.....i went into the Walmart down the street. Now as most of you know, i am sour on people that are just downright ignorant, and what is Walmart known for? (Besides the practice of hiring illegals to do their cleaning at night)

IGNORANT FUCKING PEOPLE.

I dont know about you, but i dread going into that shithole. Now i know you have Walmarts where you all hail from, but let me tell you a little about this particular place. First off i feel like i am in another country. Its a rare day when you can get someone to talk to you that speaks English on the first try, not only do they not speak english but they drive their carts like they drive their cars, HORRIBLY. They dont know which side of the isle to be on so they run 3 wide with their little piece of shit kids running circles around them, parents not paying attention. Drives me up a god damn wall and makes me ferious to the breaking point. Which happened today. Allow me to regail the story to you.

I set my pace before i enter the store. I have the long stride, stoic face, and the shoulders rolled back WATCH OUT NOW! As i am striding to the fartherest corner of the store (since will all know that Murphys law of Walmart is that no matter what you need its at the farthest possible point from the port of entry) there is some stupid wetback coming the other way. Now mind you he is talking on his cell phone, there is something that resembles a female counterpart with him yelling at kids next to him, and several little shits running amuck. What happens as i approach the front end of his cart? The mother fucker hits me with the god damn thing. And i am not talking about a little tap. This greasy little shit pushes his cart away from himself in an apparent attempt to cut me off so he can cross in front of me before i get even with him. I went mental. I mean i absolutly lost it. I yelled at him and then without really knowing what was going on i flipped his cart over in the middle of the isle. I'll let that sink in. I flipped his cart over. He took one step in my direction and one look at me and looked like he saw the border patrol. He froze in his tracks slack jawed and then just slowly backed away. I vaguely remember mumbling something about a vato and storming off before i killed the mo fo.

So that was the lovely end of the day. And i vow this, when i see him standing outside the home depot for a job (which he will inevitably be since we all know dirty splibs dont hold real jobs) i am either going to run him down, or pick him up and take him to a "job" and by a job i mean drive to the immigration office and tell him thats where he is working for the day.

So thats my beef. Just thought i'd share it all with you.

Nye

Next step

2007-01-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

I dont mean to get heady with this, but i had a question that perhaps you would like to chime in on. My roommate Dave and I were discussing evolution today. Clearly we have a time table for the evolution of man, and every grade school (that isnt Catholic) has the drawings in the science books of what the steps of evolution looked like. So here is my question,

What does the next step of evolution look like?

With science being what is, and the ability to predict the next step of chemical reactions and mathematical equations, not to mention when certain geographical events are going to happen, how come there has been no attempt at predicting what the next evolutionary chain will be and or look like?

Any ideas? Please feel free to share.

Nye 1.0

America Rules...

2007-01-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

This blog is in response to the conversations I have been having with people who don't understand why we are in Iraq and what we are trying to accomplish. To answer this I am almost always forced to deliver a refresher course in history and conquest in particular. Not that I think any of the readers of this blog truly need this edification, but this is an interesting way to formulate your argument so as to be inclusive of the facts.

This, then, is a historical and strategic discourse, in time order, regarding the reasons for America's wars, past and present.

Since the dawn of civilization humans have been fighting against other humans. Even before humans focused on fighting against other humans there is evidence that we fought and exterminated our cousins on the evolutionary pathway, the Neanderthal. Why? The Neanderthal occupied more fertile lands than we Homo erecti did, thus a war ensued. In these times war subsequently followed by occupation was the order of the day.

Fast forward. Screen fades into Nile delta. Workers harves fields. Pan to pyramids and eventually to bearded, bald headed pharaoh. Trumpets sound.

Where did the ancient Egyptians get their land? The former inhabitants of the area were northern African tribes, unorganized, warlike and nomadic. Enter displaced citizens from Mesopotamia, probably southern Babylonian, fleeing the flooding. "What have we here?", they said. An area geographically similar to their former home, periodically flooding river and all, inhabited by savages. It took such a short time to conquer the area, set up a government and enslave the people that Roman historian Pliny the Elder hardly comments on it at all.

We see in the bible that many wars were fought over control of land and people I.e. the Babylonians conquering Israel, the Macabee's retaking Israel, the Romans conquering Israel, the Jews retaking Israel. Israel may be the most faught over land in the world, nearly devoid of resources, yet strategically rather important.

Let's speak about the Romans as they were the world's first true super power. The Roman ideal of victory was conquer, controll and reap the benefits. This created an overextended command structure, overextended supply chain and loss of controll, militarily, politically and ideologically in the outlying states of the empire. These reasons, paramount among many others, caused the eventual decay of the Roman Empire.

In much the same vein as the Romans, the countries of Europe also sought to create empires. The English empire was so large at one point that the altruism "The sun never sets on the English empire", was actually true! Spain was responsible for much of what occurred in south America both good and bad, and the French made great inroads in North America. I think we are all also aware of the influence of the Dutch and French in Africa.

The point is that all of these empires failed for just about the same reasons the Roman Empire did. People, no matter how simple, don't like to be ruled from afar. Our own country was born out of those very ideals.

So, I told you that to tell you this: there is a way around physically conquering a country. Let's look at the last 100 years. During WWI Germany, hungry for more land and resources and fueled by a special Prussian manifest destiny, went apeshit and got all up in other folks faces. Long story short, they lose. Now, America did some important things which ensured it's economic superiority in the years to come.

1. Entering the war in the first place showed Europe that we were interested in it. (The first major part of a business plan or major financial acquisition is a letter of intent!)

2. By first assisting the Allied powers and then superseding their own efforts with a superiority of manpower allowed us to show our might in stages, rather like a game of poker. Rushing in and cleaning up the mess immediately would have downplayed our role. The investment of time in the cause was paramount to winning.

3. And most importantly, the war effort allowed, through the military supply routes already established, increased Euro-American trade. Allies were created who were politically beholden to us and thus, allowed us to get away with "shit". I.e. the Falkland islands during the eighties.

The almost male bonding nature of political change after a war is an important consideration just as much today. But there's more. After WWI a new nation was created as a buffer between Germany and western Europe. Checkoslovakia. Tada!!! Instant American ally in eastern Europe! The more astute readers can probably see where I am going by now.

For years Checkoslovakia supplied American business with cheap labor, cheap parts and most importantly cheap strategic American bases. Why? Cuz we built the fucking place!

This pattern of ally creation can be seen throughout the last 200 years of our history, and we are not the only country who does it. But, we are the best at it.

You see, during the revolutionary war America needed allies and needed them damn quickly. We had almost no navy, what were we to do? What? Barberry pirates? We chased them out of our eastern seaboard already because they were interrupting shipping lanes. They're hanging out in Florida? Fuck! Call 'em up!

Revolutionary war over, we owe these pirates something. Hey it's 1812! We're having problems with those wiley British and faggoty French! Ok, pirates, you guys go get em!

Well, long story short, the British capture the pirates and impress them into service for themselves, America has already built a fairly acceptable Navy and the outcome is... we win and take more land from the faggoty French, I.e. Faggoty Michigan and Wisconsin!

These are the ways we use people and wars to get what we want. So, what's happening today?

Saddam Hussein. There was a time when the most feared person in the middle east was an old bastard named The Ayatollah Khomenie. He lived in Iran, which was right next to a country full of crazy, bug eyed, IMPRESSIONABLE, fanatics called Iraq. We sent out feelers. How can we keep these Iraqis from going over to these crazy fundamental ideals of the Iatolah's? Well, we will need a real bastard. Someone who would kill his own mother to keep the peace and the oil flowing. 555-6666. "Hello?" Is this Saddam? "Hey guy!" Saddam, it's America, we need your help controlling the Iraqis. "Hey, no problem guy, I know just what to do!" Ok, we'll put you in power but only for a few years, we will need someone in there later when things are calmed down more to direct cheap oil and money our way. Now whatever you do just run the place and keep things civil and don't attack the Ayatollah! "Sure, no problem guy, I'll take care of it!"

1 month later. Saddam Hussein kills hundreds of fundamentalist leaders and politicians in Iraq.

5 months later. After many terrible acts, Iraq has the lowest crime rate in the middle east and its per capita income is steadily rising.

2 years later. 555-6666 SADDAM!! "Hey guy!" We said DON'T attack the Ayatollah! "Hey, guy, it's ok. I'm just having some fun!" Look fucker, that does it! We're going to save Iran and look like hero's, you are going to lose and have your soldiers eventually give up. "OK guy, jeeze, way to spoil a good time!"

I think you get the picture from there on.

The point is that Saddam Hussein was selected for his post by the CIA during the late 70's. Who ran the CIA in the late 70's? George Bush Sr. Need I say more?

Thus, my point is, we are creating an ally in the region for our own benefit just as we have done many times before. This is a standard operation which is running slightly afoul. If all goes well, though, we may see some amazing results from this little shithole we call Iraq.

Godzillas Restraining Order

2007-01-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Godzilla:

My name is Linda Lingle and I am the governor of Hawaii. As was recently brought to my attention by an astute page of mine named Jimmy you have conducted a multitude of devastating attacks on the country of Japan and more specifically the city of Tokyo. As referenced through the historical documentation of your attacks thanks to the people at IMDB.com, I am aware of how it all began. I know in 1954 you made your first unsuccessful attack on Japan. Followed be your proclamation of yourself as the King of All Monsters and another attack in the year of 1956, also unsuccessful. Now while I am appreciative that you did save the earth in 2004 as per the documented material Godzilla: Save the Earth, I am still wary of you intentions. As documented on this list there are 44 unsuccessful attempts where you have attacked Japan and some of its more colorful inhabitants, IE Mothra and Rodan.

Due to the frequent and failing attacks on Japan I have taken the liberty of filing a restraining order on behalf of the people of Hawaii. This is a preemptive strike so that you don’t get any ideas like taking a swim to Hawaii since you have had little to no success battling in Japan. With this being said I have enclosed a copy of the restraining order as it is on file here in the capital city of Honolulu on the island of Oahu. Please heed the order.

Sincerely,
Linda Lingle

CC: Rodan, Mothra, Mechagodzilla, Son of Godzilla, Hedora AKA the Smog Monster, Monster Zero, Gigan, King Ghidorah, and King Kong

COPY OF THE ENCLOSED RESTRAINING ORDER

Docket # _A4692HI_______ : SUPERIOR COURT OF HAWAII

Name __LINDA LINGLE__________________ : J.D.

v. : At: Honolulu

Name _GODZILLA and other killer monsters of Japan__ : Today’s Date __01-12-07_

MOTION TO BEGIN RESTRAINING ORDER

1. I obtained an ex parte restraining order on ___01-11-07________________, against the defendant ordering the defendant to refrain from imposing any restraint, assaulting, destroying, sexually assaulting or attacking me and entering and or smashing my current dwelling.

The Court also ordered ___________

2. The order was instated after a hearing on __01-11-07_ for 180 days until _07-11-07_.

3. I feel that I have a continuing need for the Court’s protection against you and your monster brethren.

WHEREFORE, I request that the restraining order be granted except _____________________________

THE PLAINTIFF

BY:______________________
PRO SE

LINDA LINGLE______________________
NAME

Stephen Kings Letter to Ebay

2007-01-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Ebay,

This is my 3rd and final attempt to be civil in regards to the heinous crime you are perpetrating upon me. This is my final request that you stop this blatant form of Copyright infringement. As I am sure you are aware, I published a book call IT© in September of 1985, which was followed by my copyrighting of the word “it©”. IT© was on New York Times bestseller list so this stance of “I don’t know what you are talking about” and “Don’t be stupid you cant copyright the word “it©”” is nothing but a child’s attempt to deflect blame for this situation. Clearly someone in your intellectual property department failed to check for patents before green lighting this hideous excuse for an advertising campaign.

As you are undoubtedly aware that I am the destroyer of worlds when I pen a novel, soon I will start to pen a court case against you that will be the ultimate demise of EBay. I have contacted several reputable attorneys to help with this case against you. So in one last attempt I insist that you Halt, Cease, and Desist this blasphemous campaign upon me and the King estate. I am seeking damages in the area of 1.2 billion dollars; however this is a negotiable sum if the peon responsible for unspeakable crime is offered as a sacrifice as well as a sizable dollar amount is agreed upon, to bring for some kind of closure to this case.

Sincerely,
Stephen King Esq.

CC: US Supreme Court

Democr@

2007-01-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

This is less of a blog and more of a publication/informative work. I have coined a term and think this is a forum which will not only allow the world to learn the word, but will document its creation. There should be and now is a word to describe the opinionated, vociferous and commonly emotion driven person who attempts to shove their "feelings" down your throat and call them facts. This group of people includes bloggers, NPR personalities and comedians who use media as their soap box. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you democr@! Bill Mahr, Susan Serandon, John Stewart, the list goes on. Everyone enjoy your new word and feel free to add examples of your own democr@'s!

Pirates?

2007-01-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

There is going to be a couple things i want to throw out there for an open forum style of discussion today. First of all, HAPPY NATIONAL HANGOVER DAY to all of you out there. I tip my glass to you all that braved the night and enjoyed some drink, whether it be wine, beer, mead or some stolen pirate rum.

Why did i say pirates you ask? Well i will tell you why. Phoenix has one body of standing water here in the city and it is a man made lake called Tempetown Lake. Now i am sure many of you are familiar with the awkward smells that are occasionally associated with the Great Lake of Erie. Now picture a much smaller version, say perhaps 2 miles long and 500 yards wide, and picture the same amount of polution dumped into the smaller body of water. I bring his up because in years past they have had a framed up pirate ship coast out onto the lake and set of fireworks for the new year. This year i was hoping beyond all hope that the real ship would be brought out with cannons ablaze just for shits and giggles.

Picture a pirate ship at full mast sailing from East to West in the pond with their 10 cannons ablaze. Cannon balls would be falling on the 202 freeway to the north of the lake and slamming into the tall glass buildings south of the pond. It would essentially come down to marshall law on a small strip of water that is man made and dutifully strong armed by pirates.

Now imagine my disappointment when i found out the only pirates that would be making an appearance on New Years Eve where the ones in flashy clothes and cross dressing for the annual parade through Tempe. So i say to the boys at the SWASHBUCKLER, when o when are you going to lay claim to the most holiest of things? The firing of cannons with wreckless abandon into a city. When o When

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS...

2006-12-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

Now here is a problem effecting the general public. The war on Christmas. And Chad before you get mad allow to further this post. It apparently has gotten bad enough that for the last week, every single night they have had some special about it on Fox News. The most recent show i caught was saying how people of middle eastern descent dont want Christmas pushed on them. As far as i know people arent coming into your house with a tree and making you open gifts on the 25th of December are they? And besides, arent you wasting time complaining about infidel things while you should be attacking the Jews and Hannukah?

The thing that annoyed me most this year was how the Fox channel referred to the impending holiday has Chrismakah. And yet the arab race is not attacking this. I dont go and visit a country in the middle east and complain that there arent enough christmas decorations or that the dictatorship is pressing Ramadon on me.

So to the "war on christmas" i say this to you. Screw you and the Fox family of networks. I am going to put up so many lights you can see me from space giving the middle finger to a sign in my front yard that looks like the Fox news logo.

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE THE HAP HAP HAPPIEST CHRISTMAS SINCE BING CROSBY TAP DANCED WITH DANNY FUCKING KAY!

Stupid Old Bitch

2006-12-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

So i am on my way back from the bank during my lunch hour yesterday. I pull up to the enterance of the plaza is and prepare to make a left hand turn into the parking lot. I clear the turn and as I start to make the turn some old bitch in a white comes out of no where and hits me in the passenger front corner. So this put a severe damper on my day.

BUT WAIT! Here is the kicker, there was no tickets written for the accident which was nice, but i have a criminal court date on the 29th of December now, because apparently it is against the law to have an Arizona drivers license and my car registered to ohio. Even though it is in my name. So I got that going for me.....

A Box of Wine, the Bible and a 22cal.

2006-12-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

So, after a nice box of wine (hiccups) I began to see things that I don't think were there. I looked around the living room in my apartment and my eyes alit upon the book shelf. The room was slowly spinning and my blurred vision could not account for the things I saw when suddenly the Bible fell off the book shelf. It walked over to me and said, "It's been a while, wanna hear a story?" My bible has a voice like an auctioneer after doing a shot of cement, fast and gravely.

No, I said, I've heard all your stories and they (hic) are all hooey! (I talk like that when I'm wasted)

The bible answered, "Yeah, but don't you care about my side of things?".

Intrigued, I picked it up and put it on my lap.

What do you mean, I asked.

The bible said, "You know, I used to be an attractive young thing, interesting and svelt. It wasn't untill about 200 a.d. that I lost my figure and got almost twice as big!"

Yes, I know, but dont you have more to say now? And aren't people more interested in you?

"That's true, I guess, but now I'm sort of schizophrenic and delusional."

How so?

"Well, in the beginning"

Oh, shut up, I've heard that one!

"No, this is a new one, honest!"

Ok go on.

"In the beginning, when the world was still a very messy place and life was mostly limited to lizards, fish, plants and mammals, there was, upon a day (I could tell the bible was getting worked up) a noise like none other yet heardon this pristine world."

A meteor?

"Fucking let me tell the story, huh?"

Ok, sorry, want some wine?

"Fuckin' A right I want some wine! My throat is getting even more gravely and my spine hurts!"

Funny.

"Anyway, this sound was unto the world like a jarring and terrible thing and changed life forever and ever anon!"

Was it that stupid meteor?

"No, you fucking flesh bag, I'll tell you what it was if you just keep your filthy drunk ass quiet!"

You're just pissed I used some of your pages for rolling paper.

"Fuckin' A I am! And it wasn't some rediculous meteor, it was a space ship! The marvelous craft set down and began to dim. And lo, upon a hiltop there emerged a great and powerfull being!"

God?

"FUCK!!!! SHUT YOUR ASS!!!! ... No, best beloved, it was an alien."

WHAT?

"His name was Jim or something, and he was on vacation from the matter transposition factory where he worked during the summer while attending night school to be an accountant. Jim had traveled for three days and just wanted to do some camping on a world where he wouldn't have to talk to anyone. Then upon the next day, after the sun had arisen and the world was bathed in its heavenly light, Jim set out into the wilderness to explore this land which he had called Urp, after having burped up a little stomach acid drinking at his campfire."

Bullshit.

"Fuck you say? I am the book of all books! Originator of religions and wars and even mormons, although they made up some other stupid shit, and you dare say bullshit?"

Well, it just seems to me that given the existance of extra terrestrial life with spacefaring technology and a penchant for vacations, there should be a significant ammoount of travel, at least in our stellar vicinity, allowing for our knowledge of their existance. Also, though I understand the significance of the homologous sound between Earth and Urp, I find it rather absurd that the nomenclature of this fargone age could have descended to us in this far removed time.

"Oh, so you have it all figured out Mr. Spankwad! You think you have the entire history and phisiognomy of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE IN YOUR LITTLE PIG HEAD? WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK UP LIKE A GOOD BOY, CUZ THE ADULTS ARE TALKING NOW!!!"

Ok. Sorry, (shwigs wine) go on.

"Huff. Well, Jim was hiking right? He wandered throughout God's creation, marveling at the unspoiled beauty of it all. The way the light refracted of the water just so, the smell of the warm loamy soil he had just stepped into... That was no loamy soil, it was poo! Suddenly a grunting, chortling noise came toward him from on high. Gazing upward Jim saw the most beautifull thing he had ever seen."

Jesus christ (covers face with hands and leans backward)

"Wrong again, dickweed, it was Genevive, an ape of the species Homo erectus which gave Jim the feeling of Alien erectus, if you know what I mean."

Fuck.

"And that they did, young man, which started this whole mess off. You see, God wasn't looking for a world full of sychophantic worshippers, he was into life in general and propigating it into such beauty as he desired when, basically, his petri dish was contaminated."

Aliens came and fucked a monkey?

"That's right. You are a bastard child of interstellar bestiality and your God is playing with you. You are a transplant..."

I'm a transplant?

"Yup you're a transplant."

(chuckles) That's funny, cuz you're a fucking watermellon.

So I shot my bible. You would have done the same and to tell you the truth it felt good. I'm worried though. I lock my doors every night because I know there will be a rebuttal. My only hope is that I can deal with the aggressor. I think I could take out all the Hindu Vedas, but what about the Book of Mormon? If the Kama Sutra comes for me, I'm fucked! Or, and this is the scariest, if the Koran comes for me I know, beyond a doubt, that my entire apartment building is in danger. Thus, I set out for the hills with only the help of a few legal books and dictionaries. It will be a hard life but I intend to see it through.

Where is juice?

Rare Day

2006-12-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

YOU ALL GET A TWOFER TODAY!

First off let me say that i am almost excited to have this blog back up running as i am about the fact that Chadley is the new blogmate. That whole Juice thing didnt work out so well, but perhaps seeing my ire drawn by someone else he will get his ass in gear.....or not.

Secondly i would like to tell you how i got my life threatened at work today. So this total thug comes into work and by 10 boxes that are 18 x 12 x 12. Now let me tell you what he is going to do with these boxes. He will go home and grab about 15 pounds of marijuana wrapped in cellophane and surround it with some coffee to not arouse suspicion. Then he will bring it back and pay approximatly $150 per box to get it to a residence by 8am the next morning. And not only that but alot of them call back for tracking numbers on the boxes like they are going to file a claim about missing product .

Now we will gladly take his $1500 and send his weed, but how stupid do you think UPS is when you send 10 boxes to the same address that all weight the same and want them there by 8am. Honestly who in their right mind would want something to there house by 8am?

That being said one of this jackass's boxes got "seized for internal investigation" which means that there is a drug investigation going on in regards to the shipment. Now said ass thought this meant that i stole the package. He comes into MY store and trys to threaten me......OH HELL NO!

So the infuriated man proceeds to threaten me and tell me he is going to wait for me. I do him one better and tell him come to my house.

Now let me take a minute and tell you why i have all told you this story so far. Here is the kicker. In true Jack and Elwood fashion i tell the neanderthal that i live at 201 East Jefferson Ave #4. Which is the gate number and address of US Airways Arena where the Phoenix Suns play. So basically the whole store was in homage to the 1060 west addison joke from Blues Brothers.

Nye 1.0

PS still have angst with Juice

Romance for Beginners

2006-12-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

State of Emergency
My name is Chad and I am a romantic. In today's world there is so little romance that I could almost choke a dolphin with a baby seal. Where has it gone? It used to be you couldn't walk through the park without stumbling over at least 4 homosexuals groping eachother in a mudpuddle. I remember going to the county fair and seeing toothless hillbillies vying for eachothers affections with phrases like, "I'm twice as good as your Uncle." and, "I'll teach you the meaning of fit as a fiddle!"...? Anyway, we need to bring romance back into our lives. I suggest the following actions as recourse. First, when you feel the warm spring air and smell the sweet odor of the honeysuckle on a spring nite, never be afraid to shave the hair off your head and walk fifteen miles to the strip club where you can find some people who really need love. No, not the strippers, the clientell! Before the poor, lovelorn man has time to spend his money simply take him by the hand and walk him out into the sultry spring air where you can jump him and take his wallet. Reentering the stripclub, simply sit and watch the titties shake on your "date" with several of the areas finest looking singlemothersputtingmyselfthroughschoolandallthekidreallyneedsisagoodfathersothatitwillhavethefutureshealwayswantedjustbecauseheruncletouchedherwhenshewasyoungandnowsheshowshertitstofilltheemptyplaceinsidewhereselfrespectoncelived.
Aaaah. Turn on the Barry White 'cuz that's romance! But nothing truly says romance like a bottle of champagne, a man playing the violin, rose petals and lobster while the body fluids of a dead hooker congeal on the wall where you hung her to practice your javelin throwing.
And who, prey tell, can ignore the allure of Christmas? The draining time of year when the old loves return in the starry eyes of illigitimate children left on your doorstep, but you're so wasted on egg nog and pain killers that you don't notice the doorbell and wake up to a bastard-sickle on your doorstep on Christmas morning. Aaaah the memories!
Well, to all the ships at sea and all you out there in radio land, remember, It's time to put the romance back into your lives. Think of other people during this holiday season and buy thoughtfull gifts for those around you, like a bullet for that suicidal friend or an archery set for that one armed friend, or an airhorn for those ailing of cardiac disease, or a chemistry set for the nice bearded man in the turban with the Fuck America shirt on.

I have no problem with juice.

Barry Bonds has Herpies

2006-04-15T22:52:00.000-07:00

So as was sitting watching TV and lamenting about all the recockulous commercials for E.D. or to the layman, Erectile Dysfunction. These commercials really drive me crazy, but thats a story for another day. Today i am hear to tell you all about Barry Bonds and why he can claim that he never willingly took performance enhancing drugs. Its quite simply really.

BARRY BONDS HAS HERPES.

Thats right. I said it. Bonds has Herpes. Think about it. According to the commercials about Herpes, which you see almost as often as the Erectile Dysfunction commercials, they can be treated with steroids. So this explains a couple things which i will cover in the following numbered list: (i like lists, so sue me)

1) This explains why Bonds head has appeared to get bigger since he turned 35. Now i know what you are thinking, head got bigger? Yes. And i am positive its water on the brain. Clearly he hasnt gotten any smarter and his temper has only gotten worse. Which are both symptoms of water on the brain.

2) Taking steroids to cure the Herp would also allow Bonds to bulk up while he was taking the meds during a flare up of the disease. In large part due to the fact that he is an athlete and i am sure has a decent work out routine that he completes.

3) This allows Bonds to stay he never willing took performance enhancing drugs. Although i would think in this instance they were meant to keep up other performances so his wife doesnt know about the Herp.

4) Bonds has been overly uppity about reporters asking questions about and around his family. This is in large part due to the fact that his wife and children clearly dont know that Barry has the Herpes. And by playing the angry black man card, he defers the reporters to bother him instead of his family, there for keeping his secret.

In closing i am just going to say that its a horrible way to find out that someone has Herpes, although i am looking forward to his federal purgury trail. Only good things can come of this, and by that i mean, he either admits to the Herpes or he goes to jail. Both are suitable conclusions to the clusterfuck that has been the last 3 years surrounding Bonds. Dont worry Piazza, you were just the catcher. (I bet he has the herp too)

Juice is dumb, throw rocks at him.

Limericks

2006-04-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves a good Limerick or 5. So here are a couple of my favors and some others that i found amusing. Feel free to leave one that i dont have on the list for me to read.

Once there was a man from Vinair,
Doing his wife on the stair.
The banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

Once there was a man from Nantucket,
Who's dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped his chin,
If my ear was a cunt i would fuck it.

There once was a man called Cropper,
Who had a fucking whopper,
Once 'round the deck,
Twice 'round his neck,
And up his ass for a stopper!

This Finnish miss, from Helsinki,
Held a hot affair with her pinky
If Sis swilled enough rum,
She would seduce her thumb
Then, sis and her digits got kinky.

Hickory Dickory Dock,
Your girl was on my cock,
I took her to my house,
And turned her out,
And now the bitch sells my rock.

I still hate Juice

Social Commentary

2006-04-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

There is a couple things that i just couldnt resist commenting on when i saw them. So lets get started shall we? First on my mind is the fact that Moussaoui curses as jury backs death. Now think about this for a minute. This is the guy that planned to hijack a 5th plane on 9-11 and fly it into the White House. For sometime now the prosecution has been having some trouble with the trial, but the jury just returned the ok for the death sentence. At this point Moussaoui cursed. Now seriously, you planned to hijack the 5th plane, you admitted it to the FBI, and you get up set when you are allowed to be put to death. In the article that is posted with the picture in the previous link are some of the finer points of the Moussaoui defense lawyers, IE himself. Here is one of my favorites...

Moussaoui on jury trials: "The fundamental U.S. right to an impartial jury ‘guaranteed by the Sixth Amendment also necessarily includes a jury composed of the defenders peers.' Brown v. Kelly, 1992. I am sure that the government will be delighted to bring 12 Talebans from Cuba."

If thats not enough reason to execute the guy right there then i really dont know what else to say. Although i think they should have held the trial in Texas so that he would have been executed by now, there by leaving us free to second guess the trial all we wanted. I also think in something of this magnitude the accused, if found guilty should not be able to appeal without some kind of evidence of the so called FBI coverup.

My second intriguing article of the day comes to us from the New Yorks Times and it is entitled With Yoga, Comedy and Parties, Synagogues Entice Newcomers . Now you cant tell me when you first see this headline you wouldnt stop and at least consider the material that could potentially be in this article. Now I admit this isnt nearly as exciting as reading some of the stupid things that Moussaoui as said, but it is still amusing none the less. I mean just think of it, instead of the kegger at Jimmy Johnsons you can go to the "Torah cocktail party" at Shir Goldsteins. Sounds like a killer good time to me. MOTZAH BALLS FOR EVERYONE!

Well thats all i got for today.

PS I hate Juice

I LOOK LIKE A TOMATO

2006-04-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

The last 3 days have been quite eventfull actually. Shall we recap? Oh Yes, we shall. Starting on Wednesday night i went out some friends to Famous Wings, which is the local watering hole near mi casa. We had a good night and i got a date out it on Thursday, which was cool.

Thursday was spent with Kara. We went to the final spring training game of spring training for the Padres and Mariners. Padres rolled the mariners 8-2. So we got grass seats and sat in the left field section, which consequently faced the sun. OH GOD DAMN DID WE GET SUNBURNED. After the game we went to the Dillsworths, IE people i have never met before and will most likely never met again. However they were her best friends parents and i was driving so i had to go. I had to be on my best behavior since it was like visiting with the commanding member of the Christian Reich. Kinda scary, although once it was discovered that Mr Dillsworth is from Toledo, i am pretty sure i could have dropped an F Bomb and not be crucifed. However the evening ended on a funny note with Mr. D reminding the girls that men only think about one thing, which brought me the stink eye from Mrs. D. So my only response was, "Well i dont know about you MR. D but you dont look like this without food being your first and only thing on your mind" PHEW! Crucifiction averted. After the Dillsworths, we got roped into the Art Museum with Becca and Jo. That was a little akward, esspecially with Jo barking out order like a drill Sergeant. Followed by some spaghetti, a dabbing of Aloe for the sunburn and the day ended well.

Friday night was pool at Clicks, and a rather embarassing post on You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesomes latest post. Its really only the last sentence that shows my state of pure inebriation. However the whole night at the bar, the ladies, IE Jo and Becca were playing the 5th grade do you like her game. That got a little old. However the free beer was a nice touch for me not to have to pick up the bar tab this week.

And as for today, i spent 8 hours on my feet at work, so i am going to sit and watch LSU lose to UCLA and then i am going to hang out with Bridget. So peace love and 40s to yall.

Juice still sucks

Collection of Random Thoughts

2006-03-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry i dont have a lot of funny and somewhat witty things to say as of this moment in time. However i figured i would throw a few random things out here.

1) With the Indians being 17-10 in the grapefruit league, they are several games better then the Cincinatti Reds. This only reaffirms the fact that the Tribe will win the battle of Ohio.

2) I get to watch the tribe on opening night since they are playing on ESPN for the MLB season opener. GO TRIBE!

3) Brenda is mean to me

4) Cavs are picking it up again, which is nice to see. 41-29, Go CAVS!

5) When T.O. dances on the star in Dallas this year, i hope it is Drew Bledsoe that knocks him on his ass.

6) MSN did a tourney pick 'em and out of 3 million people that signed up, only 4 people picked the final four correctly. I mean seriously, what are the odds in that? They have to be greater then the 1 in 750,000 that it measures at.

7) GEORGE MASON? I MEAN SERIOUSLY GEORGE MASON?

8) Cincinatti Bengals still suck

9) Now that we broke the streak of 142 days without rain, it rains almost every single morning now.

10) Dancing in the rain in AZ sucks. In ohio its fresh water, out here the rain tastes like smog....YUMMY!

11) Las Vegas is a fun town.

12) 1 1/2 years later and i still hate DeVry

13) Van Halen or Van Haggar?

14) Womens NCAA tourney? Does this really need to be on TV? I'd rather watch a live root canal.

15) Is there still a WNBA?

16) I am going to keep Hieser despite her best efforts to get him back.

17) Hieser is the coolest dog ever.

18) Is a Teacup Chihuahua a real dog or just a big rat?

19) Its the 28th of March and its 9am and i have been up for 2 hours.

20) I am a firm believer that the baby boomer generation should not be allowed to use computers.

21) PBA, a league? Or just a bunch of guys that spent too many week nights playing in bowling leagues to avoid their nagging wives?

22) People are Strange

23) I am watching a rerun of Sportscenter. Is anyone really suprised?

24) I hope George Mason wins it call simply to start a, "Are they really better then Duke" debate and causing a BCS style cluster fuck.

25) And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo, Every day you meet quite a few.

26) Twin bill for MNF this year in week 1. I dont know if i like that.

27) I shoot pool well. I shoot pool even better after two shots of jesus juice (Tequila).

28) I live with an alcohol that plays in a band and is apathetic about going to school. So what do i do every morning? Wake his ass up at 8 whether or not he is going to go to school.

29) I still hate Steven A Smith. He needs to be punched in the face. Repeatedly.

That seems like enough of my early morning randomness. If think of anything note worthy i will besure to add it on later.

PS juice is still worthless

A day in recovery...

2006-03-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

Well its been awhile since I posted anything so i guess i will fill you all in on what has gone down in the past 10 days. Where to start...umm...well lets rant about sports so i can save the really fun stuff for the end.

Lets start with the Browns. They added to solid O-linemen in LaCharles Bentley and Kevin Shaffer. Couple this with the extension of Rueben Droughns contact and the Browns might have one hell of a running game this coming season. They also added Joe Jurevicious at wide receiver, which means we might have a receiver that wont average 3 dropped passes a game. Also joining the Browns are Ted Washington and Willie McGinest. While Ted might not bring in as many sacks as Big Willie will, he will undoubtly be a big lumpy unmovable object in the D-line, much like Mike Sapanaro.

As for the Tribe, I am not going to lie, i havent really been keeping up on them as much as i would like to. However that is large part due to March Madness and the free agency moves being made in the NFL. Although i do know they are 12-8 and lost to the damn NY Yankees today 2-0.

The Cavs pulled one out today thanks to some key free throws by Flip at the end of the game. They beat the Lakers 96-95, improving their record to 38-29 and dropping the Lakers to 34-34. Clearly they Lakers were a better team with Shag Diesel.

As for the March Madness tourney, i have but one thing to say. I FUCKING QUIT! I am now fully in the mode of rooting against my bracket. I have 3 of the final for left, but this means nothing to me anymore. Bradley, Wichita State, Georgetown, Northwestern State, George Mason and Georgetown should all get a free pass into the Elite 8 and let everyone else play for the last two spots.

Now for the fun that was St Particks day weekend. So i leave work at around 6:15 on Friday and by 7pm we are having corned beef and cabbage with a side of green beer. Check that, followed by many sides of green beer. So after this is over we head back to the casa for a little mellow time with some good friends. However there is one problem. During the course of the evening and the many sides of green beer our friend Eamon shows up in a cab. We quickly come to learn that he and his bitch of an Ex girlfriend have finally called it quits. We are all happy and before we buy him a round Eamon pulls a handful of bullets out of his pocket and hands them to my roomie Dave. Eamon was worried about what his Ex Ali might do since she bought a gun a few weeks back. The rest of the night continues without too much excitement. However when we get back to the casa there is a broken window on the fucking house. THAT UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF CUNT PISTOL WHIPPED OUT MY FUCKING FRONT WINDOW. And verbally admits it in a phone called placed to said cunt that same evening. If thats not a total buzz kill for the evening i dont know what is. Just thought i would share.

Hope everyone elses St Pattys days were largely police free.

This Week In Sports......So Far

2006-03-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

Well where to start. Besides noting the obvious that Adam Morrison is possibly the ugliest man in the NCAA, nay, make that the on the planet, Gonzaga is the luckiest team ever. There is no reason that Loyola Marymount should have lost their game against the Zags earlier in the week. One can only assume that Chris Ayer has been making the very lay up he missed in this game for the better part of 12 + years. COME ON MAN! However this sets up the possibility of the first ever 16 seed up ending a #1. This pending Zags get a #1, and the upset will happen since they clearly showed that they have no defensive skills what so ever.

Lets move on to Duke. Duke. Duke. Duke. Not only did you lose to Florida State, (who choked at Wake Forest who is having a down year) but you lost to UNC as well, and mind you this was all within the span of 3 days. What is the signifigence of this you ask? Well for starters it is the first time in the era of Coack K that he has lost back to back conference games. Let alone to end a season. This sets up the possibility of UNC in the championship against Duke since this gave UNC the critical #2 seed in the ACC tourney thereby avoiding Duke till the championship.

UConn, what were you doing out there? You effectively crapped down your own leg. Although you do have the right to blame the Syracuse campus paper for firing up McNamara and motivating the 'Cuse team. However, as supposedly the most dominating team in the country to play like that, i am convinced of nothing except the fact that you might be on tilt for the tourney. I predict a bow out in the elite 8.

Memphis choked against UAB earlier in the week as well. At tip of the 80-74 loss UAB was unranked and Memphis was # 3. The fact that the #3 team in the country can go scoreless from the field AND from the free throw line over the crucial 8 minute stretch from 12 to 4 for minutes to go in the 2nd half makes me wonder. Is UAB vastly underrated or are the Tigers vastly overrated. Who have they beat of substance this year? They have two decent wins. One was a 16th ranked Bruins team who is now # 12 and #8 Zags team that is now # 4. However this does nothing to convince me of a #1 seed for them.

The sixth ranked George Washington Colonials lost to Temple. Need I say more on this?

Now what you ask was the point of this post so far. Well its simple, I believe the Ohio State Buckeyes deserve a # 1 seed in this years tourney. They have 4 quality wins against top 20 teams this year. Not to mention the Big 10 is a vastly overlooked conference for basketball. To which Ohio State won the out right regular season title this season. They have proved to be a solid team as compared to the like of George Washington, Gonzaga and Memphis who are ranked ahead of them in the poles. And while UNC is pushing for a #1 with the win at Duke, their 6 losses are to much for 1 seed. The number 1s should be Ohio State, UConn, Villanova, and Duke.

Need a Little Help from my Friends

2006-03-05T16:28:00.000-07:00

I am going to compose a post laced with Song titles. What i need from you my dear friends is Song Titles and the Name of the bands sing them. Any help you can give me would be appreciated. You can leave them as a comment or if you have an extensive list let me know and i will provide you and email address to send the list too. Thanks for the help.

Nye 1.0!

Drinking induces randoms thoughts

2006-03-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

So i am sitting at the bar and drinking heavily. (mind you this is before i drop the new killer pick up line) Which will explain my spelling mistakes if there are any, so suck it up and deal with it....jerks.

1) In order to beat the Phoenix Suns you have to score at least 120 points in a game. As is evident by the fact that eht magic scored 118 and lost to the Suns tonight.

2) The Cameron Crazies are exactly that....Crazy. There is people that have been waiting since December 9th for tickets tot he UNC Duke game on March 4th. Thats total dedication.

3) The Cavs are going to suck open ass in the second half and get the 6 or 7th playoff spot instead of the 4th even though they had at one point the 2nd best record in the East. Stupid playoff format.

4) The new pick up line works. For an explaination you will have to contact me directly.

5) Lesbians engage in straight sex. And by this i mean the whole doggy style thing with strap ons, hence emulating straight sex. Whats wrong with DICK ladies, at least with that there is some kind of payoff at the end. (which apparently stains blue dresses)

6) The Reds will lose the battle Ohio for the umpteenith season in a row to the almight Cleveland Indians.

7) The White Sox got handles by the lowly Dbacks today. Does this mean its Clevelands year?

8) WBC is retarded

9)My blogmate is a total waste

10) Dave is a killer roommate although at times messy, which is consist with me at times.

11) Texting is apparently the way to conduct forbidden prospects on the left end of the states.

12) The Mavs will be the team to beat in the Play offs

13) Come 7pm AZ time i am going to be donning the Power Blue and White, b/c seriously when was the last time you saw Duke lose 2 in a row.

14) I might be considered a whore in certain circles and i am ok with this.

15) I heart my lesbians. (You know you who you are)

16) Bonzo needs to get a back bone and dump his bitch

17) OSU you should considered for a number 1 seed in the tourney over Memphis and or Texas

18) Poker is a vice and blackjack is a crutch.

19) Asians gamble like no other. They are even worse then gangs throwing dice in the alley or on the street corner.

20) I am drunk and going to bed.

Trigger Finger Dick

2006-03-01T20:16:00.000-07:00

So I reading an article today about how George W. actually got off his ass and went out of the country instead of Camp David. And this got me thinking, with Georgie is gone, who is sitting with their finger on the proverbial button. There is only one answer to this, Dick Cheney. (Isnt it kind of sad that they have a spanish link to that information? But thats a rant for another day)

Now i am sure that everyone has heard the story of how Dick Cheney shot Harry Whittington in the face while quail hunting. Now after a quick glance at a picture of Whittington my first thought is that this is probably not the first time he has been shot in the face.... But i mean if you are walking infront of someone that is hunting, and then you get shot, what right do you have to make a big stink about it? So for all you liberals crying fowl, SHOVE IT! It was an accident, shit happens, look at ross perot, get over it. But i am getting off track.

So with Trigger Dick on the watch, the natural question is, what country is he going to nuke first? According to a recent poll administered Public Opinion Foundation says that 65 percent of the people polled believe that Russia (thats the big country to the right of Europe on a world map) is the number 1 enemy of the United States. (thats the big country below canada in North America on a map.) I personally think that those people are vastly mistaken or mental challenged to some degree or another. Clearly the greatest threat to the US is that of Canada. Think about it. I will expound on that more in a later post. But for the time being, i suggest that all the people along our northern border move in a southernly direction, esspecially since you have no idea when Trigger Dick will fire.

On a completely off topic point, no one has the right to play GOD, but we can dream cant we?

Jenna Jameson for Governor

2006-02-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

Let me clear up the last post for you people that are a little slow. IE, a certain law student that will remain nameless. Janet Napolitano is a self righteous bitch that should go the way of Gray Davis. Which brings me to my next point.

What celebrity should replace J. No.? While discussing the general disarray of the state in which i reside, as well as the joke that considers herself a governor, with a friend who shall remain nameless *cough* Kenny *cough* we came up with a brillant plan. Jenna Jameson. (Link not for everyone, esspecially mormons) Yes thats the same girl that has sucked and fucked her way into our hearts years ago. She resides in Scottsdale, a burb of Phoenix.

Just picture it now, her slogan could be a pole at every press conference. She could speak her opinion, which undoubtedly would be irrelevant because everyone would just be staring at her chest since she doesnt own a piece of clothing with a V neck that starts above the navel. But undoubtly some femist would be in the reporter pool and have to ask her a tough question, something along the lines of what is 2+1. While she would undoubtly say "Its alot of fun", the feminazi would persist to ask questions. At which point Jenna would just walk over to the pole and proceed to dance for all she is worth. But as i am sure you know this would upset the female population of AZ, but i mean seriously, after JNo goes and Jenna is in I garuntee at least 15% increase in the male population of AZ. Plus, has a womans vote ever really counted? I mean seriously the only reason they are allowed to vote is probably because congress was tired of hearing their wives nag about it and passed the law letting them vote. Knowing full well at any point men could trump their total votes at any moment.

Besides a pole at every press conference, Jenna would host press conferences, foreign dignitaries, the bush twins, and legislation hearings at one of the 2 strip clubs she owns. Picture beautiful naked women dancing behind her while she taking about the pressing matters. Such as Scottsdale trying to ban strip clubs.

So in closing i would like to say one last thing. Out with JNO, in with J.J.

State of Emergency....Everybody to get from Streets

2006-02-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

Alright well this seems to be the thing to do if you are a Nye. And since there is a discussion as who belongs to what name. I decided to lay the smack down. Eat it bitches.

Now to more pressing matters. As you sit and wonder first of all why i am doing this, i couldnt really tell you that. Secondly allow me to explain the aptly named State of Emergency blog. There is what the emergency is, danger Will Robinson. Yes i realize its a link to the Cardinals home page and yes i realize there is more pressing matters in the state of AZ, but let me justify this. Anyone who knows me knows i am a huge football fan. Secondly how excited can you be about a team that you root against every sunday for 17 straight weeks. They are in a shitty division, i mean come on, NFC West? Oh but the Seahawks, well i tell you what, the Seahawks wouldnt have made it to the superbowl if someone didnt hand them a 6-0 start from the division schedule.

Moving along to crisis number 2 in my fair state. The Diamondbacks are not the worst team in the league, but they are damn close. Granted they finished 2nd in the NL west last year. But big whoop, yeah thats what i said, so what, wanna fight about it? As far as i know the only reason they even had a crowd at the world series a few years ago was largely due to the fact that everyone just wanted to see the Yankees lose.

As for the Suns, i dont much mind them. Not because they are actually the one sounds sports team besides the Coyotes (who arent even that good) but because they put on a high energy show even with Amare Stoudemire out for the season. They have the Canadian Crusader throwing out dimes like he is sponsoring the March of Dimes. Plus the bonus is when they self destruct as a team it is a general is manteling like something you would see if Coach Marino actually let the team wrestle the Our Ladies of Perpetual Sorrow girls wrestling team.

Now onto two press political issues in the state of AZ. First let me say that Janet Napolitano is a crazy crazy bitch. Allow me to elaborate, First of she is coming up for reelection and sees that there is not a snowballs chance in hell (pretty sure its the first week of July) that she is going to be reelected. So what does she try to do? Come guess. You'll never get it. She tries to get a law passed saying that if the State of Arizona has declared a State of Emergency that she can not be asked to leave office and or voted out. She would be in office till the situation is solved. The set on that bitch must be enormous to try something like that. And let me tell why. The lovely State of Arizona, which mind you hasnt had a drop of rain for 131 days and counting now, has declared a State of Emergency due to the growing numbers of illegals coming into this country through the AZ, Mexico border. Dont worry, we arent alone, New Mexico and California have done the same thing. But there is the problem, that bitch Napolitano wants to stay in office and is using this as a crutch, when personally i think its her fault for not doing something to try and stop this in the first place.

Well thats it for now, I promise the rest of the posts will be more like hearted, but i just wanted to get that out there.

In closing i would like to say

How you like meow?